Do you ever just feel like you weren't meant for the life you've been leading...
Like you've always been inherently better than the person you've been pretending to be for so long...
But sometimes you lose sight of that because you have let it go on for too long.
All of our worlds are so different.
What you see as normal could be the most bizarre thing to the next person you meet in life. As their life may be to you. It's so strange to think about. We think we have a choice in our lives but if we're honest that is only true to a point. These choices that shape our lives, we start making them long before we're ready. No one sits you down when you're five and briefs you on all the different paths there are and what kind of people your classmates are or who we should avoid if we want to stay out of mischief and not be bullied or stepped all over. We can be anything we want to be but when we're young our knowledge is too limited to even begin to know that those possibilities and endless. All we know is what is around us, and then we're surrounded by close minded adults who live their lives and don't help you understand that life is so much more, how are we to know anything else.
I know their are people out their who had amazing influences throughout their life who encouraged them and helped them achieve their goals, but that's never been my life. I mean people have helped me, but the people that are suppose to support me the most are the people that bring me down more than anyone.
Maybe if I had grew up somewhere else ..... but I didn't.
I grew up with shitty friends, surrounded by drugs, sex and copious amounts of alcohol. Everyone using everyone else as a means to an end. No one actually cared about anyone else unless doing so benefited them in some way. When that's what you see everyday you think that's how the rest of the world is too. We were living in our own little reality, and it was a terrible place to be, but I didn't know anything else.
My home environment wasn't much better. I had a glimpse of hope. I had a mind that was semi my own in like 6th grade. I could tell my mom how I felt, how unfair she was being or whatever the issue was at the time. I'm not saying it ever got me anywhere but at least I could express myself. Then my parents got remarried. I was a very grumpy 14 year old. All communication just kind of stopped. I couldn't talk because if I said anything, even if I was agreeing I was talking back or mouthing and it just got worse. I wasn't allowed to have my own thoughts and opinions. I remember the first time someone honestly asked for my opinion, and wanted it. They didn't accept my "I don't know" answer that everyone else let me get away with and I found that I honestly had a hard time forming my own opinion because I hadn't been allowed to in so long, that was in 2011. I hadn't formed and voiced my own opinion in 7 years. Seven fucking years. How ridiculous is that. But I will get to that later.
My life was 100% run by other people. I didn't even notice it when it happened, it just did. I let other people influence every decision, even if I thought it was my own, it wasn't. Even going to college, I wanted to go to Parkland Community College so bad. Even that's a joke though, why weren't my dreams bigger than that? But I didn't even go there because my mom didn't want to pay out of district tuition, which is also a joke because honestly, who do you think pays for my education... me. I do, I can tell you because I'm the one currently paying back my massive student loan payments every month. So yeah, I didn't even pick where I went to school! Sometimes I feel like I am just a living breathing puppet, a shell of a person, while other people live my life for me.
I got away from this town, but honestly not a lot changed. I got to make more of my decisions myself but my parents made sure that my life was still being mirco managed as much as possible. I'd never had that much freedom though so of course I abused it. I went out too much and hardly ever did homework. I was such a good student in high school, not in that I tried hard, but I did what I needed to, and I did it well, making honor roll every semester and even high honor roll once, honestly I didn't try, but I tried a lot less in college. My GPA was a 3.5 from the college courses I took for the fun of it in high school, after my freshmen year it dropped to a 2.77. It only got worse from there. I still let the same things run my life, I drank every weekend and wasted time on guys who weren't worth a second glance. Same ol same, I never really understood there were other ways of getting through life until I moved to Chicago in 2011.
After leaving Nashville and moving in with my cousins, who still managed my life, but showed me it could be so much more. After all they did welcome me into their huge home in the suburbs with open arms. I had never experienced such selflessness. I don't think I fully understood all life had to offer until then, which is sad to be able to make it to age 21 and still be stuck in the same rut you've been in your hole life. We didn't always see eye to eye, it was hard, coming from my background and walking in to their upscale lives. There was a barrier there that faded but never fully went away. They opened my eyes to so many things. Maybe someday I will tell you more in detail.
It frustrated me that there was so much I had been missing out on in life. I loved knowing it but I hated all the things that being so sheltered had held me back from. To see Jen in her daily life, being a stay at home mom by choice, after having her first child and quitting her six figure salary career to stay home because Chris made enough for her to do so in their fancy house with their fancy things. It was crazy. I had my own bathroom connected to my room, with a walk in closet... I was in heaven. Just kidding, the amenities were nice but it was still hard. Although I do really miss that double oven.
Why did I not think that I could go anywhere I wanted and do anything I dreamed of? Why were ivy leage schools something only seen in the movies and not something I thought I could achieve if I wanted to? Why did I let other people make important life decisions for me when I am the one that has to live with them?
It's an awful way to go through life. Why was I afraid of being alone? Being alone is so much different than being lonely. Being alone and learning who you are as an individual is a beautiful thing, even if at times it doesn't feel that way. You should never feel like you NEED someone. That is giving them too much power over your life and that is what I have done most of mine. It's taken a long time but I am now certain that I need no one. Well, other than my best friend, and a few choice people that make me a better person.
Which is another thing, we think we need all of these people in our lives to be happy, but it's truly the opposite. I literally only talk to one person that I went to high school with on a regular basis. I never needed any of those people, what I needed was to get rid of them long before I did. I probably talk to two people from my first two years of college still. I met my best friend In 2010, and had no idea the impact she would have on my life. We didn't even actually become friends until 2011 and I have no idea what I would do with out her. She is the only person that knows every single thing about me and has never looked at me different for any of it. A lot of people are temporary. The strongest conecctions I have ever made are with some of the people I've known for the least amount of time. If someone doesn't appreciate your presence in their life, you don't need them in yours. Get rid of all the trash and your life will be so much better off. Easier said than done I know.
In late 2012 I met my favorite married couple ever, who kind of turned into my second best friends. Lauren and Kyler are two of the most amazing people I have ever met. They don't drink, they are very accepting of other people and very involved in their church. It's a beautiful thing. I started going to church with them and I wish I would have sooner. It was seriously amazing. I think I cried during every service at least once, I still do when I go or when I listen to their podcast.
It stirred a fire in me I didn't even know I had, but then I moved home and that fire was quickly put out. My parents still try to micro manage me life, probably even more so now and I have no idea why they think it is their right. I am an adult whose life is still being run by other adults. It's a complicated situation but believe me, if I could leave right this second I would. I just have some things I need to take care of before that is even possible. I'm back home, in the one place I dread more than anywhere. Everything I do is watched under their microscope.
Even with that though, I still know who I am and what I want more than ever. It's just hard to see it ever happening when I feel so stuck here. I was driving home from work the other night and it just hit me. I'm so much better than this. This place does not define me, I do. Everything I have ever known has been wrong. I can be who ever I want to be and I choose to have a better life. I don't care who agrees or disagrees with my choices because they are my own to make. Whether they are bad or good, they are mine. I don't need to feel trapped because ultimately I am in control.
And if I ever have kids they will know that the world is their playground to explore. That their future can be whatever they choose. They can go anywhere and be anything their heart desires.
After all of that my dad just came down stairs and told me to go to bed, like I was 5. Cool. But this place is only a temporary home, I will be somewhere much better some day.
Till next time, xoxo