I'm ... old,
Everyone around me has graduated college and I'm just like..... maybe in a few years... if I get my ass in gear.
Society makes me feel like I should have done more with my life by now, and maybe I should have.
Everyone is getting married and having babies and finding careers.... it honestly makes me feel very alone.
It's not that I don't want those things, believe me, in my own way, I do.
I can't even tell you how old I was when I knew I wanted a family. I mean first came wanting to be in the WNBA of course, but probably somewhere around the age of 11 I realized THAT wasn't going to happen, and something just clicked. Children, I adore children.... I mean there are a few exceptions of course, but in general, the thought of being a mother someday is so beautiful. That's what I want out of life, to marry someone who compliments even my darkest days, and desires the same path as me. To me, that's simply having beautiful children who are raised to be well rounded individuals, to always have a flourishing garden to tend to and feed the gypsy soul within me without losing balance. I don't know if that makes since to you, but the beauty of it is, it doesn't have to.
But what's with the notion of always feeling like I'm on the wrong path...
maybe everyone else's idea of the path I should be on is wrong.
Why do I care where others think I should be....
trying to follow that path has lead to more disasters than I can even count.
One being school,
I dread school. It's not learning, I love learning new things. But I'm so indecisive when it comes to a career path, because I don't want anything college has to offer. I just want to be a stay at home mom! I mean I might want to homeschool through like fifth grade, but I don't need a college education for that. ... I've went from being a Psych major, to highly considering Philosophy, to Fashion Merchandising, to Business because I have too many credits to not get a degree and a Bachelor's in University Studies makes it look like I didn't know what I was doing and just threw everything together to get a degree.... which I totally would do, if I thought it would get me further in life than I am right now, but since I highly doubt it.... I'm still trying... slowly but surely.
Even the idea of caring what other people think of your life is ridiculous though.
Unless you're out breaking the law or doing mass amount of things that could kill you..... I mean there is a line, and life threatening choices are on the other side of it. Honestly, if you cross that line and people do call you out for it, those are the people you need, the ones whos opinions do matter because they just want the best for you. butttttt....
In general, do what makes you happy,
and when you're "young" and single, the sky is the limit. Don't let other peoples opinions weigh you down. This is your life, not theirs. And sometimes the most toxic people in your life are the ones that should be the most supportive. Don't ever let anyone makes you feel bad for cutting people out of your life who were sucking the joy out of it.
You can have fun.... it's your own damn life. And what you want today might not be what you want tomorrow, so go for it now, but don't be afraid to change course when you feel pulled to do so.
I'm so bad at following my own advise though, I'm fucking miserable where I'm at but yet here I sit....
Just hoping opportunity jumps out at me, and even when it does I'm hesitant .
So... what I'm saying is,
Don't let toxic things fill you life, no matter what people will think. Don't get stuck on something that doesn't make you happy because it's what you know and the unknown scares you.
If you aren't living your life for yourself (or God) who are you living for? You can't make everyone else happy, hell, you can't even make yourself happy all the time, but isn't it time to start trying?
The answer is yes, even though as I was typing that last question, my brain said
So clearly I have a lot to work on, personally....
like my finances so I can afford to get out of this shit hole. And my mindset ... on everything.
No more excuses.... I say today knowing that when I wake up in the morning I won't feel this way at all.
Someone needs to kick me in the ass. Someone whose opinion actually matters to me, so that can be slightly difficult to come across... ugh.
Well those are my thoughts for the day.....
as incomplete and open ended as some may be.
Till next time, xoxo