on the verge of my 26th birthday,
with no direction in life,
realizing that, in 26 years, I've never had a boyfriend on my birthday.
I guess that's kind of an odd thing to think about.
Of course this should come as no surprise, seeing as the relationship I was most recently in was my longest ever, and it's life span was about 6 months.
Although everyone should give him a hand because no one has ever made it through winter with me. More accurately, I am pretty sure I've never been with anyone in the month of December and probably January. Winter Blues is a real thing and I'm pretty sure I embody it the best. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Which I guess is kind of like any other time of year for me, but worse.
It pisses me off because I'm getting into the swing of life again now, and he's gone. Like I'm blooming with the fucking flowers, poor guy has to miss it.
I think I'm ready to tell you about it.
So here it goes.
(I think I'm just going to use real names today, because I'm being lazy and don't have a cheat sheet for all my lovely loves or a brain that wants to make up new names for new people)
So I wrote about him in like December, which was only like two posts ago... I told you I was really confused when he wanted to hang out with me and how I was still holding back a lot but happy with where my life was blahblah.
Then January came and sucked the life out of me, of us. I started taking classes again and it all but consumed me. I hated every second of it and it was showing. Even when we were together we weren't. We might be in the same room but we weren't actively spending time together. I was working on school stuff or we were falling asleep. Mindlessly coexisting. Still not communicating any better, I hadn't let down any walls. It started wearing on us, I could tell it was getting to him but I didn't know how to stop it. We were just so busy doing other things. I knew it was coming, and one day he text me and told me he wanted to talk to me. I can't even put into words how I felt for the next 24 hours until we sat down and broke up, but talked about it like adults. I of course left as soon as I felt a tear coming on because I do not like being sensitive. But then he still text me every day. Every day, it pissed me off. I just thought, hey ass hole, you just broke up with me, I think you gave up the right to know how I'm doing or how my day is. A few awful days later, we were hanging out again. Which I had told myself wasn't going to happen. I told myself it was a good thing that we broke up and I needed to work on myself and if we ever did get back together we needed to talk about it. Talk about what we wanted and what our expectations were and get to know each other better, our pasts, our stances on things, ect.
Well, none of that happened but we were back together. I really don't know what happened to me. I went from being super blunt and forward with the last two people I was talking to, to being the exact opposite.
But we were better, we did talk more, not as much as we needed but more. Life was getting even more crazy though, I';m not going to get into the details because they aren't mine to tell but, he had/has a lot on his plate. It became overwhelming and instead of talking to me about it he pushed everyone away. One day he TEXT me and literally told me "... We're not happening right now..." I immediately tried to call him, no answer. He text me and told me he'd call me when he got back to the house. Which was understandable because he had just picked up his daughter. So some tequila later, he still hadn't called, ...nothing.... all night. I half drunk went to his house to get my stuff and I wrote him a letter. Then when I got home I text him and told him not to worry about it, we didn't need to talk. If we're" not happening right now" we're not happening at all, I don't do this on and off shit, I'm either here through it all or I'm not here at all. I'm not just here when times are easy, blah blah. He didn't respond. ....I said a bit more than that and at one point basically told him to fuck off and not talk to me. Well.... he didn't. A few days later I apologized for being so harsh. But in all honesty that's me. That's the me I want to be and know I can be. I say what I'm feeling and I usually mean pretty damn close to every single word.
He's text me once since then, and basically said nothing with a few words. It's so irritating.
To be honest, I still think it's good, for me to be on my own right now because I'm being so much more myself and I think we just happened too soon after all the bullshit I had just put up with. I don't think either of us was ready for a relationship, not enough time had passed since our last. I hadn't fully became myself on my own again and it showed. But there's something about him, something about us. Something inside of me tells me if we can ever learn to be completely ourselves with each other, if we could let down our walls and let the other in, it would be the most beautiful thing. I'm so drawn to him in ways I can't explain. He has a beautiful mind and I want to know the deepest darkest corners of it.
I'm not saying I think that that will happen, I just feel like our journey isn't over yet, and even though my intuition does not usually lead me astray, I am not holding my breathe.
I'm still super mad and upset and hurt and confused about what happened and what is going on and usually I know. Usually my intuition is on point but if it is this time than I hate it because it's not saying much, it just feels like it's not over and it really is everything that is going on and this being apart is good for us and honestly I'm screaming on the inside because it's so much easier to walk away when you know they're being fucking douche bags and with someone else or anything. but no.
So right now I'm just trying to take it at face value. Face value says he's not talking to me because he doesn't want to. He doesn't care or it would show so I just need to do what's best for me and look the other way. But it's hard.
That's pretty much my life right now and it's 2am so I should probably get some sleep so I don't die at work in the morning.
Till next time, xoxo