Well I'm currently in the mind set that I need to be to write this so here goes nothing.
This takes a lot out of me, I apologize in advance for how emotional I may or may not get.
So, things were going fairly well in Chicago, it was the end of the semester, I was getting my Associates and going home for the summer. I had never been so ready to be home in my life.
But, one morning I received the worst phone call of my life.
Okay, multiple phone calls, because I tend to ignore my mother when she calls me and I was at a t-ball parade for my little cousin, surrounded by a bunch of 5 year olds. After realizing she had called 6 times I decided I should maybe call the crazy woman back, but I never in a million years would have thought I was going to hear what I heard next...
One of my closest childhood friends had passed away. I lost it. If you can ever refrain from falling into a million pieces in front of 100 5 and 6 year old children, you probably should, but I just lost it. I forgot how to breath first, and then hysterically bawled the entire time I was there.
Christopher couldn't be gone. The little boy that I went four wheeling with, swimming at the motel, running around the neighborhood like we owned it, tree climbing and who I would get mad at for inviting the whole neighborhood over to jump on my trampoline. Or the boy that lost my floor mats while detailing my car, or gave any guy who talked to me the hardest time he could. Even when we didn't talk that often, nothing ever changed, we were always the same we always had been, since before I can even remember.
I still feel that day when I think about it. I feel it somewhere deep inside me, like it was just yesterday and the wound is still fresh, I don't think that feeling will ever go away.
It's almost been three years and nothing has changed. Every break down is just as intense, they just happen less frequently.
That day, once I could see and think straight long enough to do so, I emailed all of my professors I still had finals left with. They were sweethearts and let me turn everything in online so I started packing to go home. Two days later everything was packed and ready to go in my car, how everything fit in one car load I still have no idea. I let my friend Matt know I was on my way home, we had been in contact since finding out about Christopher because they were close as well. I got home sometime after midnight and Matt came over and stayed with me. It was a really hard time for both of us and it was nice to have someone there. The next morning Matt, his mom, my mom and myself headed to the memorial service together. It was private, only close friends and family knew about it and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I stopped crying long enough to talk to his grandma for a minute, I love that lady, I spent a lot of time at her house when I was little and it was so crazy that this was happening. Afterwards we all went to her house to eat. Matt took it really hard, I remember sitting in the house, holding his hand when we first got there. He didn't really talk until Chris's uncle came to ask him if he wanted to go on a beer run. That's just what we do here guys, that's how Chris would have wanted it. I think it was good for Matt to get away from the crowd and hang out with the guys for awhile but when they got back they were all pretty much drunk, ha. Also expected knowing them. The day got lighter, the pressure that had seemed to fill the air since I had found out lifted some. It was so nice to be with everyone talking about better times and enjoying the time we had, but it only lasted so long.
Christopher had had a drug problem, he had been struggling with it for quite some time and had just gotten back from rehab shortly before passing of heart failure, at the age of 20. I really can't express how this still eats at me in words. I have always felt like I gave up on him, like if I would have been there more or tried to talk to him about it I could have helped in some way and things might have been different. Even though I know it was out of my control, it's still there, in the back of my mind. Especially then, I felt like I had let him down in some way. I had been upset with him when they started getting into drugs due to a series of events that took place and he had ended up wrecking Matts truck and not helping repair it. What a stupid thing for me to be mad at him about, it had nothing to do with me and now I wish I had that time back so I could have spent more time with him rather than being that way. I've never told anyone that.
I still have the last conversation we had via Facebook messaging from the end of November 2011.
As hard as it is for me I don't know how his family does it, they are truly some of the strongest people I have ever known. That summer I would go over to their house randomly and just hangout, talk to his mom in the kitchen, sit with his sister and her friends in the living room and watch tv, sometimes just being with them made it better for a little while.
Matt and I hung out a lot, it was a really unhealthy relationship. He had been clean and sober for a little while but fell off that wagon and I stuck with him. I was terrified of losing him like I had lost Christopher, and that kept me around a lot longer than I should have been. Neither of us were doing very well, I slept a lot, I just didn't have the motivation to participate in life at all. Everyday was a struggle, it was good if I got out of bed before 1pm, but I wasn't sleeping much at night either, mostly just crying and fighting the awful feeling I had in the pit of my stomach 24/7 due to my constant worrying about Matt. I knew he was doing drugs again even in the beginning, I watched him fall back into it, he's such a differnet person when he is using, and as the weeks went on I saw him fall back into that person. What kept me around was knowing that he didn't do any of it when I was with him. When he would call me at 2am I would be there, that caused a lot of problems with my mother and I but I didn't care. I went every time, we had somewhat of a history so my mom got the wrong impression, but honestly, 95% of the time when I went over there at odd hours of the night we would go to sleep as soon as I got there. It was like he just needed someone there so he didn't go find his next fix. There were nights that I didn't sleep when I was there, I would stay up and watch him sleep half the night because I knew what he was doing to himself and I was so scared I would wake up and he wouldn't be breathing. It was like a living hell. He would just not talk to me for days at a time sometimes and that's when I knew he was up to no good. It's such an awful feeling, I thought I could help but ultimately I couldn't do anything, he had to want to change and he didn't, not enough anyway. When his mom or grandparents couldn't reach him they would contact me to see if I knew where he was. Sometimes I was with him, one night his grandma text me at like 4 o'clock in the morning wondering if he was with me, thank the Lord he was because when they did that and he wasn't I would just about lose my mind over it trying to figure out where he was and what he was doing. We were drinking at my friends house, he had just gotten back from a cardinals game that I was mad at him for not inviting me to, ha. And he had came over to Allisons house, even though he shouldn't have been driving. We ended up going to his grandmas at like 5 in the morning, I thought we were going to die. I was following him back to town and he was going 90mph, and went off the road. I about had a heart attack right then and there. Somehow we made it home alive but I don't think his grandma was too happy that we were both clearly drunk.then on my birthday, I was having one of my days where I just couldn't deal with life, so I was still in bed at 12:30 when Matt called and asked me if I wanted to go on the river. I got up so fast, clearly because I jumped at every opportunity to try and keep Matthew on the straight and narrow, but we ended up getting pretty drunk and somehow convincing everyone that I was sober enough to drive so his mom drove us to my house to get my car so we could go to the bar, for my birthday of course. It was a good time, probably one of our best times during that period. However when we left to go get food before going home he nodded off really fast, honestly we'd had enough to drink and it could have been from that but it was Matt so my mind automatically goes to drugs and the bar we were at was not one of my favorites so I am still to this day certain that he had done heroin while we were there. That's the thing when you're dealing with an addict guys, you can't even trust them to go to the bathroom by themselves. I don't know why I put up with it for so long. To automatically assume someone is doing hard drugs behind closed doors might seem a bit absurd to some of you, but others know that that is the sad reality when an addict is in your life.
One night we got into a really big fight, and I had had enough. He had dropped my clearly too drunk to drive ass off at my car, and went and had sex with my friend that had been with me. Ummmm, no, what the fuck. It's really not the first time we got into it about him sleeping with people while I was the one that had to take care of his ass whenever he needed someone. So I freaked out a little, and by a little I mean a lot. Like called his ass out uptown in front of people a week later pissed the fuck off. It takes a lot for me to get to that point, by that I mean that is the only time in my life I have been that confrontational on my own behalf. That was the last time I talked to him. I
still wanted to help, it was so hard because my initial response to everything was to be there for him and I was still scared of losing him the way I had lost Chris, but in reality I had already lost him. He wasn't the same person and he didn't want to be saved. I had to walk away. Christopher's mom was a big help, as always, God bless her. I really don't know how but she is the strongest person, to be able to help me through that when she had just lost her son. I don't know what I would do without her. She taught me that I can't blame myself for not being able to help someone. People have to want help first and Matt didn't. She wanted the best for him to but there's nothing we could do.
I've let go of that, Matt does not weigh on me at all, he burnt that bridge himself and I haven't looked back in a very long time. But Christopher will always be there. I still feel bad, but i know he's in a better place and I know he would tell me to not be so stupid, there's nothing I could have done. He was always too stubborn to listen to anyone anyway. At least now I have the best guardian angel a girl could ask for. He would have kicked my ass for putting up with Matt like I did, and Matts as well. No one could tell me anything at the time though.
Love and miss you always Christopher.
Well...... until next time, xoxo