I've made it to the ripe age of 24, somehow, mostly by the grace of God. And only having wasted my time dating for 23 months of it. Yes, I've been single for over 96% of my life. I've had 6 boyfriends, most of whom I really don't think even count, and my longest relationship was a whooping 6 months.
Now, I'm definitely NOT saying I haven't wasted way too much of my time on men who didn't deserve it. Really there's only one person who has ever earned it, and I assure you, I made him work for it. But everyone else.... douche bags. I'm pretty sure I'm just a douche magnet.
I use to be a fixer. It's an awful way to live your life. I saw the best in everyone, even if there wasn't much good there. And one thing that I've learned along the way is most people don't choose to embrace their good attributes, the bad is just too tempting.
I know, because, if you're honest with yourself, we've all been there. We've all knowingly made bad decisions. Maybe just because they were more satisfying at the time, or because we choose not to think about how our decisions effect others when it's convenient for us, or sometimes, even if we don't admit it, we just really don't care. Don't care what happens, to who it happens to or why.
I didn't date in high school. I mean, I talked to guys, but I didn't want a boyfriend and all the guys I talked to were total tools. When I was a freshman I started talking to a senior from a town over. If I had a picture I would share because he was GORGEOUS! My cousin told me once that he looked like he just jumped out of a Hollister ad. it's funny, but it was so true. And, in the beginning, as with all guys, he was super sweet. He even went to a Special Olympics basketball game with me and my friends once because my friends aunt was playing, that earned him a lot of brownie points.
In his defense, I should have known to stay away from him seeing as I met him through his drug and alcohol counselor. In my defense, I met him at a church event, and all the other people there that came from counseling just had drinking problems.
SO, he actually asked me out but I said no because I was friends with his cousin and she didn't even like the fact that we were talking or hanging out, and my girls definitely come first. We kept talking for awhile but it kinda just faded out, still talking every now and then but not on a regular basis. I obviously liked him though, those feelings didn't go away over night. So, one night I got a phone call from his best friend, pretty late. He was freaking out and informed me that Kory had over dosed at a party and on the way to the hospital his heart stopped 10 times. He was then placed in rehab and they didn't know how long he would be there. ......I clearly freaked the fuck out. I talked to his friend almost every day to see if there were any updates, nothing. Two weeks later I was at a festival in the town he is from and I saw him. I still remember how my heart like jumped into my throat and I couldn't move. Way too many emotions all at once. He came over and talked to me and we ended up sitting on a bench catching up half the evening. Then, being the smart girl that I was, I more than happily agreed to hangout with him the next day.
Alright, this is where I get really stupid.. once getting out of rehab, the day before this, he moved into apartments in my home town that we refer to as "the crazy apartments" .... yeah. So, that's where I went to hangout with him. These apartments are for people that have harmed themselves multiple times and need to be supervised on a regular basis. Like I said, really stupid. We hung out for a couple of weeks, I'm pretty sure he was using at the time. His mood swings made that fairly evident, but I was young and dumb and thought I could fix everything by merely existing. I also wasn't the only girl in his life, and I knew that, but he didn't know I knew that. I was way too timid to ever say anything to him about it and knew how unstable he was so didn't want to push any buttons. He ended up getting kicked out of the apartments. All I'm going to say is it takes a little bit to get kicked out... and he did. We stopped talking and that was the end of that, but I was emotionally scared. Having seen how hard it is to be in a drug addicts life, how hard it is for an individual with a drug addiction to deal with life, at 16 I didn't really know how to process it all.
Somehow the boys in my life and drugs became a theme. I really don't know how. People that I had known for awhile and didn't do drugs somehow ending up not only doing drugs, but dealing them..... I think my life has always been a mess. I honestly have no idea how it happens.
I have never done drugs. the only thing I have ever done is drink, and that gets me in enough trouble as it is. Some of you are like "nuh uhhhh, come on, you've had to smoke weed, everyone's done it at least once." I hear it too often, but no, I've never smoked weed. I have been around it since 7th grade, and I have never done it. It's always been something I knew I didn't want to do and I have stuck to that. It's really annoying when people try to get me to do it "at least once." Ummmmm no bitch, I haven't done it in almost 25 years, if someone was going to somehow magically convenience to me to they probably would have by now and your words have no effect on me. I have much better things to waste my time and money on, like shoes. (: So it's amazing how many people that have been in my life have had a drug problem.
I guess this will be a series of posts about my awful life decisions involving boys. I really didn't mean for this but, I feel like I'm only telling part of the story if I stop here, so....
Till next time, xoxo