With that being said... I'm pretty good at complicating shit, as you will notice shortly.
For obvious reasons, some names in this post have been changed.
So, Christmas Break 2012-2013 I come home, not too excited because I am almost never excited to come home, I kind of dislike this place with a passion. But, at least on break other people I don't get to see very often are home so that's semi exciting. On my four hour drive home I talked to one of my friends, Trace, and he informed me that our friend Blake was home also. I had not seen Blake in a very long time and we use to be pretty close, even though for the past 4 years we lived, sometimes on the other side of the world from each other. So that got me fairly excited and I said I would come to the bar they were at when I got back.
Now, I hadn't really planned on doing much of anything when I got back, so, sporting my messy bun, glasses, loose tee shirt, faded jeans and sweater boots, I went to the bar. I know, super classy, I try.
It wasn't really anything special, but I did get to catch up with everyone! After the bar, being the bright individuals that we are, we drove to Weston's farm house, in the middle of no where. After awhile of hanging out in the garage I went inside and cuddled with Blake. This was pretty normal behavior for us, we're pretty good cuddle buddies. Even if we only cuddled every few years. I got up in the morning and left. Then that night we all went out to a different bar. I was once again the only female, and the boys got into it with some people and left me alone with the people I was socializing with. Blake ended up coming back to get me, and we went to Weston's. Being the weirdo's that we are, we brushed out teeth and washed our face's together, and went to bed. But when we laid down, we kissed, and oh my was it magical. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. The next morning I went home, was on cloud 9 the whole day, and that night I called Trace and told him about everything. In the middle of the conversation he stopped me and told me that Blake had A girlfriend and that he was pretty sure they lived together. My heart broke right then and there. I confronted Blake about it and he admitted that that was true. Then went on to tell me that he was confused and didn't know what to do.
That right there Ladies and gents, is a mother effing RED FLAG, and whenever someone says something like that to you you RUN full speed in the opposite direction!
Of course, that's not what I did. I didn't respond to his text for like an hour after that and he ended up calling me because he thought I hated him. How could I hate someone I had been friends with for the past 8 years... I mean in retrospect I should have, but for some awful reason some part of me thought I had a chance. We talked every day. Then he went home, to his girl friend and we still talked but not as much. Blah blah blah heart break after heart break.... this went on for far too long.
I even dated someone, and while we were still in the talking stage of predating Blake text me and Jt noticed that I was distant the rest of the night, well, Blake ended up coming over at like 5am to take a nap because he had gotten mad at his friends while home and decided to drive all the way home drunk, which was an 8 hour drive in the middle of the night and I happened to live in the middle of it at the time. Jt was still there and Blake slept in my spare bedroom. I got up in the morning and took him a water and sat and talked to him for awhile before he left. It was a weird situation for everyone. I ended up telling Jt everything after that. For some reason the boy still wanted to be with me, but like any relationship I've ever had, it didn't last too long.
Fast forward almost a year to the day, I was back home, hanging out with some friends and we decided to go to the bar. Guess who the first person I see when I walk in is.... yeah, Blake. I talked to him but then went back to hanging with my friends and left with them to go home. We had been invited to an after party but I didn't have my car so I wasn't sure if I was going to go. As soon as we got on the road back home Blake called. He couldn't get a hold of Weston and didn't know where the after party was. I told him I was coming back and could meet him (of course) So, we went to the party together. Again I wondered off and socialized with other people. But somehow later on that night we found ourselves outside alone, and we sat and talked for what felt like forever.
Now, I know I'm stupid for letting it go on this long but we just have this connection I have yet to find with anyone else. It's so easy to talk to him, and in the process I would fall head over heels over and over again.
Anywayyyyy, Weston was beyond drunk that night and it took both of us to get him in the car when we went to leave. I went to go to my car and Blake asked me if I wanted to go with them, and I obviously agrees. So we went to Weston's and stayed up till well after sunrise talking and maybe more than that, but mostly talking and laughing and enjoying every second we had together. After maybe an hour of sleep he took me back to town to get my car. It was pretty cute, he walked me to my car, and held me while we made out in the middle of the road for a good five minutes or more. I was obviously on cloud 9 once again and it stuck for a few days this time. My friends were like "oh no, whyyyyy? you can't keep doing this to yourself." But I assured them that I knew what to expect this time, and even though I did... I still crashed.
We still talked a lot, too much honestly to be good for my health, I told him how I felt and he told me I didn't feel that way and that he wasn't anything special. It was an aggravating process.
A few weeks later, after him talking to me almost everyday since out last run in, he informed me that he was seeing his ex again. (Honestly I don't think they ever broke up, but that's what he told me) I lost it, again. As everyone had predicted.
I ended up meeting his girlfriend a few months later, and let me tell you, I wanted to hate her so bad. I had convinced myself that she had to be an awful person or Blake would never cheat on her because Blake is such a great person! Well, to be honest, she's pretty great. We actually have a lot in common and we talked for a long time. She's freaking awesome and that made me feel like a terrible person. Just talking to this girl like we were new friends when I had done what I had done....
But, while we are on the topic of him bringing his girlfriend home, the first night they were home I stayed up and talked to Charles around the fire and the next day Blake text me and asked if I was with him. Obviously just letting me know that he knew that I had stayed there. Being the person that I am, I told him that we had talked about him the whole night and he needed to stop. Which was true, we stayed up and talked about Blake and the whole situation. But, what I really should have said was that it didn't matter what I did, he was with his girlfriend and shouldn't be worrying about me. UGH!
THEN, we kind of stopped talking and I went to Basic Training and AIT. Where I met some wonderful people, one in particular caught my eye but that's a story for later.
THEN, guess who came home for winter break.... yeah Blake. Truthfully he had been talking to me for awhile via snap chat before this but I had established a line I didn't let myself cross. And I really liked the guy I was talking to so I was semi not my normal self when it came to Blake.
He would message me about cuddling at like 1am and shit and I just didn't take it too seriously. One night we ended up at the same place but we didn't talk much, though he did text me from across the room, so mature. I ended up taking another friend home because he didn't have a vehicle, and I went in and had a beer when I got there. While I was there Blake accused me of sleeping with him. I of course told him "Ummmm, no, I'm sitting in the kitchen drinking a beer getting ready to leave." he was just like whatever... and I got my panties in a bunch over it. So I left there and went to where Blake was, let myself in and was way too tired by then to argue so I stayed for like 5 minutes, we kissed, I left. and that was it. a few days later I was a mess because I knew I had to stop it all together. And no matter what, it's hard to walk away from a 10 year friendship. But I knew that that is what I had to do so I had a really bad day. I told Blake that I couldn't keep doing this and he agreed.
About time huh.... only took two years.
The point of this really long blog, do not wast time being anyone's second best. Even if you were "there first" or he/she isn't happy in their current situation. You really never know how much of what they are saying is a bunch of bullshit to keep you around and no matter their situation, they could change it if they wanted to. WALK AWAY, if they really want you in their life they will drop what they have and chase you. If they don't, it's not your lose honey, it's theirs. Never forget that.
Till next time, xoxo