I haven't decided just how open I am going to be about this period of my life... All I know is what I have already decided to disclose is going to piss a few people off. Again, I don't really care. So maybe I will tell all like only less than a handful of people know the dirty details of my life in mid to late 2012. Please don't look at me any different though, I am not the person that I once was, nor do I ever really think I was, I just really didn't know who the hell I was at the time. I wanted it all and I wanted nothing all at the same time.
So, Luke and I are dating now....
I don't even know why I changed his name, everyone is going to know who it was, if they don't already... oh well. It's awful that I'm laughing to myself as I type right now... ha.
We spent a lot of time together, he would come to my parents or I would go there, I think we'd been dating a week or less when my best friend Lex, Bran and myself went on a float trip with him and a bunch of his friends. It was 110 degrees the whole three days we were there! It was insane. We drank the whole way there and being the driver of course I was no where near sober. I don't even know how we made it there, Missouri country roads are so confusing with their alphabet system so unlike our numerical roads. Like, I have no idea where Xx is, why isn't it next to Yy.... and I'm pretty sure I just passed H.... We didn't get lost though! I couldn't drink the whole time we were there after the first night though, it was seriously the longest hangover of my life, probably had something to do with it being so damn hot outside. It was a good time, I got along with everyone, not that I talked to them that much, it's not really my thing. Bran ended up not feeling good and having to cut her trip short, and seeing as the three of us girls had tickets for Warped Tour the next day, we had to find a substitute. Kay was there and she ended up going with us.
I've really never had so much fun in such hot weather, not being on a beach. it was horrible out but it was worth every second of it. I fell in love for the first time, with Yellowcard, and Ryan Key, oh my ..... it's still real guys.
My friend Colton and his friend came out for a bit and we met up with them. I hadn't seen him in a year, we were mostly like pen pals while I was living in Chicago and then he got a girlfriend and I was living in a mess so... it'd been awhile. After the last show, and us sneaking in the back gate to meet Josh Portman, who, if you didn't know, plays bass in Yellowcard. Kind of a big deal. He let us take pictures with him and then we giddily went on our way. (Okay, this is clearly a little bit of detail that doesn't pertain to the story at hand per say, but it was one of the best moments of my life so I thought I would share.)
We went to meet Colton and his friend downtown afterwards, and we got pretty intoxicated. When we were ready to leave somehow we got separated and Colton and me ended up walking by ourselves, which is fine, but I think we were holding hands, and we kissed.... so there's that. (Yeah, we were terrible people, considering we were both in relationships with other people.) Luke never knew that, still doesn't, actually I'm pretty sure the only person that knew for a long time was Lex. Worst part, we drove back to Luke's, got there at like 6am, still half drunk, and I crawled into bed with him. ---I didddd have a guilty conscious about it but no need to rock the boat, I mean it wasn't going to happen again, right... yeahhh.
Really Luke didn't trust any of my guy friends, obviously everyone with a penis wanted to get in my pants. Isn't it just lovely how some people think. One night, on a random Wild Wednesday that summer, my phone was charging in Lukes room and my friend Scott text me. Now... my phone was on silent and turned over, because that's how I leave it 90% of the time, but nosy pants took it upon himself to check it and then proceeded to kick me out of his house without telling me why and then left his own house party. It was really dramatic, he yelled at me in front of everyone, I'm pretty sure a few choice names were dropped, and I was just besides myself with confusion. Well, when he checked my phone Scott had sent me a text telling me he loved me. I was so mad, he seriously got that pissed over that when he knew, at the time, Scott was one of my best friends. We told each other we loved each other on a somewhat regular basis. And instead of talking to me about it and letting me know it made him uncomfortable he just snapped.
----Scott was seriously one of my best friends at the time, we had never done anything, I had never even thought of him any other way, he was like a brother to me. He was a complete douche bag and went through girls pretty frequently, which I don't know how because he's not attractive at all, but I got to hear all about it. He was pretty gross honestly. But he was there for me a lot, and he would take the bus when I needed to go somewhere so I could take his car, back in the day when I didn't have one for awhile. No one else did shit like that for me. He also let me cheat off of him in math class and I did his nutrition homework regularly, best of friends. So I was highly confused as to why Luke was so upset. ----
I didn't leave the party that night. I was way too drunk. I got ready for bed and went to the spare bedroom after about 90 minutes of utter chaos. Then 30 minutes later he came and carried me to his room, but we didn't talk, just went to sleep. We actually never talked about it... our relationship was really healthy like that.
I'd like to tell you I refrained from hanging out with Colton, but I didn't. We hung out a few times. It was never innocent. Also something only like one person knew until right now. We kind of had our own double life going. My first Tequila Tuesday was spent in the St. Louis area, with Lex, Colton, his friend and his sister. His sister actually was the one that got us to go to my first strip club. I think I would go anywhere that has Tequila Tuesday as a thing. It was a fairly fucked up situation though, obviously. There is no excuse for it----
Mk people, if you find intimacy outside of your own relationship then you probably shouldn't be in that relationship. It's a pretty simple concept really, if you were truly happy with your current situation you wouldn't be with anyone else!
With that being said... Luke and I were still together. I went off to school four hours away where I only knew like three people and for the most part became a recluse. Luke annoyed the shit out of me on a daily basis. He had to talk to me, all of the time, I mean ALL of the fucking time. He would freak out if it took me three hours to respond to him. You know what I could be doing for three hours. sleeping. I love sleep, but I hate waking up from an excellent nap to 7 texts and 3 missed phone calls, seriously, chill out. If I was at work.... not a good enough reason to not respond. Even though I was four hours away I never had time to miss him. He never left me alone long enough for that. It was truly suffocating.
He would come visit me for like 4 days at a time, which was fine, usually a decent time, and I loved having someone around to cook for because meals for one just aren't as good. But I was still happy to get away when I had a four hour shift at work while he was in town.
We broke up for a hot minute at one point. His conscious was a bit more guilty than mine. He had cheated on me when we first started dating and didn't want to tell me so he just broke up with me because it was eating at him. Then he told me, during a like four hour phone conversation where a lot of crying took place. I however confessed to nothing. We got back together but we really never should have. I got more and more distant. I would come home and not go see him at all. In my defense I was usually only home for like 24-48 hour periods and i had shit to do. But I put my friends first. I would never take that back, ever. My friends are my life, he wasn't. Which is also a sign that we shouldn't have been together lol. When I prioritized, he was at the bottom of the list. Worlds shittiest girlfriend award, right here. But it actually gets worse...
Thanksgiving Break I came home, Luke was taking me to a Yellowcard concert that Sunday night and we had Thanksgiving at his grandparents during the day Sunday. So guess what his really ungrateful girlfriend did the night before.....
I went out. Before I had even started drinking I dropped my phone in the toilet, so I had no phone. You can imagine how well that went over the next day. I tried to fix it, the manager at the bar gave me a bucket of rice and I left my phone in it behind the bar the whole time I was there. It was really too funny. I ran into my friend Ruby, who is always a good time and I ended up staying out with her all night. I had really only planned on being out for a few hours but I never get to see her so.... obvs we had to continue to wee hours of the morning. I ran into my brothers assistant basketball couch, who is extremely attractive. We had a whole conversation about how we had both been interested in each other the first time we met but I acted like I wasn't interested so he never tried to talk to me. He had a really pretty girlfriend, who happened not to be around this fine evening. Ruby hit it off with his roommate, the head basketball couch and we ended up having an after party at their house. It was not much of a party, two other people came, I remember sitting on the kitchen counter just staring into Kyle's eyes, we did that like all night, just stared at each other and talked. I have no idea what we talked about, I don't remember that much. All I know is I woke up in his bed the next morning, fully dressed and with the space of the whole king size bed between us lol. Nothing happened, just lots of talking about why we hadn't talked back when we were both single. I remember that much. I woke up before anyone else so I retreated to the living room and magically my phone was working. I can't even recall how many voice mails and texts I had from Luke. Which is pretty understandable considering that he was suppose to be picking me up at my house in an hour for Thanksgiving with his family. I felt like the worst person alive, also, I had the most outrageous headache ever. Kyle took me to my house, because Ruby was still sleeping and I had to go! By the time Luke came to get me and I was ready we were fairly late, then, I couldn't eat and I spent half the time in the bathroom thinking I was going to get sick. It's probably not the best way to meet the half of the family you don't know yet. Thank Jesus much later, after actually being able to eat dinner, I was feeling better and ready for this Yellowcard concert. It was a beautiful experience. Luke really did try to make me happy, and every once in a while he succeeded. This was obviously one of those times.
He put up with a lot of my shit sometimes, but I put up with his too, probably just as gracefully. Truthfully I went numb after our first break up, and there was no going back. It was like all my emotions had turned off and I didn't know why or how or when but they were just gone. It showed more and more over time. He loved me and I loved having someone, a majority of the time. Then it happened. One day i was going back to school for the week and swung by his place before leaving town, which was really a chore because it was like 30 minutes out of my way. When I got there he asked me if I was happy, so I decided to be honest. I told him I wasn't, it got slightly emotional, and then I left and didn't look back for over a year.
I tore the poor boys world apart. But it was past due. We were both better off. He was just so clingy, and I wasn't about that life at the time.
That's not really the end of the story though...
Till next time, xoxo