I wouldn't say I was scared of commitment, even though at times it has been quite terrifying.
It's more about who I would had been committing to, and just not being ready.
As much as I never wanted a boyfriend per say, I still wanted exclusivity, which is pretty much the same thing in a way right?
I wanted someone to be there for me and not be with anyone else, but I didn't want to label it. That's unattainable in most cases and when you get down to it, an awful lot like a relationship. I just thought that labeling it would change things. Would make it less appealing or something. Sometimes that's how I saw it. Others I just didn't want to commit because I didn't want to throw out all other options.
Basically, I wasn't ready, but I didn't want to be alone either. For some reason or another being alone has almost always made me feel like I would be alone forever. It's completely irrational but it's how I felt. It kind of made me feel like I wasn't good enough for anyone.
I really have never thought that highly of myself, but at the same time I know I am better than some people. I have more to offer, or whatever the case may be. And even people who have less to offer find someone.
But finding someone isn't hard. Finding someone who is worth it is, and most people aren't willing to wait, they just settle. Settle because they don't want to be alone or they don't think anyone else could ever want to be with them, or whatever the reason may be.
Commitment isn't really about being ready though. You don't just wake up one day ready to be in a committed relationship. And I full heartedly believe that you should never look for someone, you will never find the right person if you are looking. Sure, you will find someone, finding someone who is interested is easy, but finding the right someone usually doesn't happen like that. I know its cliche, but it happens when you least expect it. When you finally decide to stop looking and focus on other things in life.
When you find that person, you'll be ready. You won't worry about "other options" because you have already found everything you need. You'll be with them because that is exactly where you want to be, not because you don't want to be alone or any other stupid reason people have for the shitty relationships they put up with.
I've done a lot of self evaluating over the last couple of years and changed my mind set on a lot of things. First being, I am so glad that all of my past relationships have been complete failures. There isn't a single person from my past that I ever want back. I mean at the time of course I was upset, but in retrospect a lot of it had to do with my stubbornness when it comes to accepting change. Almost every one of my past relationships have had poor communication, an abundance of lies and deception from both parties, and no substance.
I have came a long way in the communication department, which directly effects all other aspects of a relationship, but I'm still bad at it. Only going to show just how terrible I was at it before. But when most of your initial interactions take place under the influence of multiple beverages, and sexual contact before really knowing a person, things obviously aren't going to workout that great. Especially when you have little in common. Because honestly, I have very little in common with anyone I have ever met at a bar. I don't even like people. No offense. I am just soooo socially awkward, and I despise small talk, or being hit on. I just really like to be left alone. I think that stems from how I have met people before though. I have met people at the bar or a house party or some event where alcohol was present, because lets be honest, I never really talked to anyone sober. I'm a lot more social when I'm drinking though and a lot of fun from what I hear. My friends know I am drunk when I am making friends, I don't do that shit. Like most of the time I don't want people to approach me, I do everything I can to be unapproachable. I hang out with the guys, I 3rd wheel a lot and my friends boyfriends have my back, thank God, or I'm just a bitch. It helps that I just come off as a bitch half the time anyway though. The point is I have almost never met anyone worthwhile under neon lights. I got a little off topic there.
So, the second thing I have changed would be communication. I use to be sooooo shy. I didn't want to sound stupid or say the wrong thing so I just didn't say anything most of the time. I'm still quiet but I say what needs to be said most of the time. I also say a lot of shit that I probably shouldn't. I have become so much more open with how I feel and who I am as an individual. I don't really care if someone doesn't like what I have to say, if they find it offensive then I don't need them in my life. I'm fairly open minded, but I have my areas where I'm not, as do most people. So when I come across a close minded idiot I just cross them off the list of people I need in my life. Trust me when I say I don't need many people.
Third being I know I need to figure a lot of shit out before i drag someone else into this mess of a life I have going on currently.
So, I've found myself, I've established a sense of who I am and what I want in life. And I don't hold back(much anyway). For the most part I say what is on my mind, or how I feel about something. I'm done with games, I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less. I wouldn't want to miss something amazing because I was passing time with someone who wasn't worth it. I'm currently fairly content with being alone. It's really nice actually, I don't have to worry about shaving my legs or looking presentable and I spend a lot of time with Netflix, and sometimes even real live people.
Whatever happens next happens, I'm ready for whatever life has in store for me.
Till next time, xoxo