Things I've done today ....ok I wrote this on the 2nd
But I'd rather get how I'm feeling off my chest, and what better place to do it huh...
I really don't even know
I feel completely lost. Like I have no direction. There are too many things pulling at me.
I want to be here for my ex, I want to make him understand that I want nothing more than to be right by his side for whatever happens next. Everyday, I want that every day. I want to make him understand that he's not alone and this does not define him in any way.
But, I'm leaving. In the middle of it all, I have to be gone. So I literally can't be there.... It's so frustrating.
At the same time, I'm like fuck you, I tried, I fucking wrote you a letter you never said one word about. cool. I tried to talk to him, I have given him space because I didn't see another choice. Because I told him how I felt about it all and I got nothing in return. It infuriates me, and at the same time I get it.
I get not wanting to be around people or talk to people about stuff because what they have to say about it literally means nothing to me. there just words from people who don't understand, who couldn't understand what is going on in my mind. I push people away.
I myself have done a lot of that lately, honestly. People try to talk to me about him and I check out because they need to shut their mouth about something they could never understand. No single action defines a person and I HATE when people try to make their point by pointing out ONE damn thing that literally has nothing to do with the person I know.
In feeling like there is nothing I can do, I just want to get drunk. Every day. That's literally a goal I have for like the entire month of July.
Saturday night at like midnight I left the bar with some friends to check trout lines and we ended up just having a dance party on the boat. Like, that should probably just be my whole summer. Dance parties on boats, drunk.
Also, part of me just wants to get away. Like I NEED to go spend time with my best friend I Arizona right now. That's the best therapy I know. Blowing off steam alone only helps so much, I need my best friend by my side, ready to fuck shit up along with me.
I literally don't know what step to take next and if I had money at all is be in Arizona, for a little while anyway.
I could go anywhere from here but no available route feels like the right one right now.
anyway, I'm already at training and as predicted, I'm bored out of my mind. But back to work I go.
Till next time, xoxo
.Do you ever struggle with your identity....
I'm ... old,
Everyone around me has graduated college and I'm just like..... maybe in a few years... if I get my ass in gear.
Society makes me feel like I should have done more with my life by now, and maybe I should have.
Everyone is getting married and having babies and finding careers.... it honestly makes me feel very alone.
It's not that I don't want those things, believe me, in my own way, I do.
I can't even tell you how old I was when I knew I wanted a family. I mean first came wanting to be in the WNBA of course, but probably somewhere around the age of 11 I realized THAT wasn't going to happen, and something just clicked. Children, I adore children.... I mean there are a few exceptions of course, but in general, the thought of being a mother someday is so beautiful. That's what I want out of life, to marry someone who compliments even my darkest days, and desires the same path as me. To me, that's simply having beautiful children who are raised to be well rounded individuals, to always have a flourishing garden to tend to and feed the gypsy soul within me without losing balance. I don't know if that makes since to you, but the beauty of it is, it doesn't have to.
But what's with the notion of always feeling like I'm on the wrong path...
maybe everyone else's idea of the path I should be on is wrong.
Why do I care where others think I should be....
trying to follow that path has lead to more disasters than I can even count.
One being school,
I dread school. It's not learning, I love learning new things. But I'm so indecisive when it comes to a career path, because I don't want anything college has to offer. I just want to be a stay at home mom! I mean I might want to homeschool through like fifth grade, but I don't need a college education for that. ... I've went from being a Psych major, to highly considering Philosophy, to Fashion Merchandising, to Business because I have too many credits to not get a degree and a Bachelor's in University Studies makes it look like I didn't know what I was doing and just threw everything together to get a degree.... which I totally would do, if I thought it would get me further in life than I am right now, but since I highly doubt it.... I'm still trying... slowly but surely.
Even the idea of caring what other people think of your life is ridiculous though.
Unless you're out breaking the law or doing mass amount of things that could kill you..... I mean there is a line, and life threatening choices are on the other side of it. Honestly, if you cross that line and people do call you out for it, those are the people you need, the ones whos opinions do matter because they just want the best for you. butttttt....
In general, do what makes you happy,
and when you're "young" and single, the sky is the limit. Don't let other peoples opinions weigh you down. This is your life, not theirs. And sometimes the most toxic people in your life are the ones that should be the most supportive. Don't ever let anyone makes you feel bad for cutting people out of your life who were sucking the joy out of it.
You can have fun.... it's your own damn life. And what you want today might not be what you want tomorrow, so go for it now, but don't be afraid to change course when you feel pulled to do so.
I'm so bad at following my own advise though, I'm fucking miserable where I'm at but yet here I sit....
Just hoping opportunity jumps out at me, and even when it does I'm hesitant .
So... what I'm saying is,
Don't let toxic things fill you life, no matter what people will think. Don't get stuck on something that doesn't make you happy because it's what you know and the unknown scares you.
If you aren't living your life for yourself (or God) who are you living for? You can't make everyone else happy, hell, you can't even make yourself happy all the time, but isn't it time to start trying?
The answer is yes, even though as I was typing that last question, my brain said
So clearly I have a lot to work on, personally....
like my finances so I can afford to get out of this shit hole. And my mindset ... on everything.
No more excuses.... I say today knowing that when I wake up in the morning I won't feel this way at all.
Someone needs to kick me in the ass. Someone whose opinion actually matters to me, so that can be slightly difficult to come across... ugh.
Well those are my thoughts for the day.....
as incomplete and open ended as some may be.
Till next time, xoxo
I have an overwhelming desire to run.
To get in my car and not stop until I've found a good place to land.
Not even a good place really, just a different one.
I honestly couldn't put into words how this place makes me feel.
I'm drowning and the only way I know how to make it stop is to run.
I use to take a day trip to STL to see my best friend, and it would help me feel balanced again. Now she's living in Arizona and everyone else "close" is too far for a day trip....
I don't even consider day trips as of recent, all I want to do is sleep, it takes everything I have to pull myself out of bed and even just go to work. Once I'm out it's better, but I never want to come home, I know when I do I will just fall back into my hole. This is the worst place for me mentally, and as a result... every aspect of my life is suffering.
Of course there's all the shit I think I need to stick around for. I really hate being away from my friends and their children. I am the only person who visits my grandmother and her husband, even though they only live 30 minutes away. I hate to leave work because we're all like a dysfunctional family.... one that I actually enjoy, most of the time. And... on the off chance someone realizes how misguided they are being....
But all of these people are so understanding, they want what's best for me and can see that that's not something I will find here. It's my family that doesn't understand, that drags me down. Honestly they are one of the biggest reasons I need out. I don't feel any support, just negative criticism. Always, since I can remember, and the older I get the more it weighs on me. I can't do this. I can't be in this house and when I move it sure as hell won't be anywhere around here. But it's hard to walk away from everyone else.
I've left so many times, but this time it needs to be different.
I was in Carbondale visiting for a few days about two weeks ago. While talking to Kyler about life he suggested I come stay with him and Lauren for awhile in Michigan when they move because he doesn't think being home is good for me. I had no arguments, so I'm thinking about it... a lot, actually. They are moving for a church plant and I feel like life is pushing me in that direction, like that's what I need right now. To be somewhere else surrounded by great people who give off good energy.
I talked to my friend Allie about it tonight and she was very supportive and agreed that would probably be good for me. Which is totally different from when I told my mom I was thinking about it. it was more like why would you do that, in this tone that just screams "everything you do is stupid." I think my parents have told me they are proud of me and meant it a total of once, when I joined the Guard. Which was one of the only things I regret doing in life.
It's so frustrating.
I would love to pick up and move to Arizona with Alexa, but that isn't going to happen right now.
Michigan is five hours away, so I won't have to transfer right away and can just drive back for drill weekends. There's a lot of other things that just work for me being there.
It's the most level headed decision I have chose to ponder over when feeling the urge to run.
And the longest I have thought about something while feeling like this.
And this post is what happens when my best friend is busy and can't talk to me on the phone.
Till next time, xoxo
Here I am,
on the verge of my 26th birthday,
with no direction in life,
realizing that, in 26 years, I've never had a boyfriend on my birthday.
I guess that's kind of an odd thing to think about.
Of course this should come as no surprise, seeing as the relationship I was most recently in was my longest ever, and it's life span was about 6 months.
Although everyone should give him a hand because no one has ever made it through winter with me. More accurately, I am pretty sure I've never been with anyone in the month of December and probably January. Winter Blues is a real thing and I'm pretty sure I embody it the best. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do ANYTHING. Which I guess is kind of like any other time of year for me, but worse.
It pisses me off because I'm getting into the swing of life again now, and he's gone. Like I'm blooming with the fucking flowers, poor guy has to miss it.
I think I'm ready to tell you about it.
So here it goes.
(I think I'm just going to use real names today, because I'm being lazy and don't have a cheat sheet for all my lovely loves or a brain that wants to make up new names for new people)
So I wrote about him in like December, which was only like two posts ago... I told you I was really confused when he wanted to hang out with me and how I was still holding back a lot but happy with where my life was blahblah.
Then January came and sucked the life out of me, of us. I started taking classes again and it all but consumed me. I hated every second of it and it was showing. Even when we were together we weren't. We might be in the same room but we weren't actively spending time together. I was working on school stuff or we were falling asleep. Mindlessly coexisting. Still not communicating any better, I hadn't let down any walls. It started wearing on us, I could tell it was getting to him but I didn't know how to stop it. We were just so busy doing other things. I knew it was coming, and one day he text me and told me he wanted to talk to me. I can't even put into words how I felt for the next 24 hours until we sat down and broke up, but talked about it like adults. I of course left as soon as I felt a tear coming on because I do not like being sensitive. But then he still text me every day. Every day, it pissed me off. I just thought, hey ass hole, you just broke up with me, I think you gave up the right to know how I'm doing or how my day is. A few awful days later, we were hanging out again. Which I had told myself wasn't going to happen. I told myself it was a good thing that we broke up and I needed to work on myself and if we ever did get back together we needed to talk about it. Talk about what we wanted and what our expectations were and get to know each other better, our pasts, our stances on things, ect.
Well, none of that happened but we were back together. I really don't know what happened to me. I went from being super blunt and forward with the last two people I was talking to, to being the exact opposite.
But we were better, we did talk more, not as much as we needed but more. Life was getting even more crazy though, I';m not going to get into the details because they aren't mine to tell but, he had/has a lot on his plate. It became overwhelming and instead of talking to me about it he pushed everyone away. One day he TEXT me and literally told me "... We're not happening right now..." I immediately tried to call him, no answer. He text me and told me he'd call me when he got back to the house. Which was understandable because he had just picked up his daughter. So some tequila later, he still hadn't called, ...nothing.... all night. I half drunk went to his house to get my stuff and I wrote him a letter. Then when I got home I text him and told him not to worry about it, we didn't need to talk. If we're" not happening right now" we're not happening at all, I don't do this on and off shit, I'm either here through it all or I'm not here at all. I'm not just here when times are easy, blah blah. He didn't respond. ....I said a bit more than that and at one point basically told him to fuck off and not talk to me. Well.... he didn't. A few days later I apologized for being so harsh. But in all honesty that's me. That's the me I want to be and know I can be. I say what I'm feeling and I usually mean pretty damn close to every single word.
He's text me once since then, and basically said nothing with a few words. It's so irritating.
To be honest, I still think it's good, for me to be on my own right now because I'm being so much more myself and I think we just happened too soon after all the bullshit I had just put up with. I don't think either of us was ready for a relationship, not enough time had passed since our last. I hadn't fully became myself on my own again and it showed. But there's something about him, something about us. Something inside of me tells me if we can ever learn to be completely ourselves with each other, if we could let down our walls and let the other in, it would be the most beautiful thing. I'm so drawn to him in ways I can't explain. He has a beautiful mind and I want to know the deepest darkest corners of it.
I'm not saying I think that that will happen, I just feel like our journey isn't over yet, and even though my intuition does not usually lead me astray, I am not holding my breathe.
I'm still super mad and upset and hurt and confused about what happened and what is going on and usually I know. Usually my intuition is on point but if it is this time than I hate it because it's not saying much, it just feels like it's not over and it really is everything that is going on and this being apart is good for us and honestly I'm screaming on the inside because it's so much easier to walk away when you know they're being fucking douche bags and with someone else or anything. but no.
So right now I'm just trying to take it at face value. Face value says he's not talking to me because he doesn't want to. He doesn't care or it would show so I just need to do what's best for me and look the other way. But it's hard.
That's pretty much my life right now and it's 2am so I should probably get some sleep so I don't die at work in the morning.
Till next time, xoxo
It's been awhile, huh..
I'm in a weird place.
A really weird place.
I don't even know where to start.
two hours later..... I still don't know.
ugh. I can't write about what I'm going through right now because it's too much, I'm too presently involved. I need to separate myself from it some before I get into it.
I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the full spectrum of emotions as of a couple of days ago, and let me tell you, it's AWEFUL. How torturous are feelings? Holy shit.
I've been so numb. So not present, I had almost accepted that as who I was. In a way I'm glad I am not feeling like that anymore but I don't even know if it matters, like maybe it would have made a difference ummmmmm....... MONTHS ago. But now........ not so much.
Don't get me wrong, I run through the motions well. I know what I should feel, I just haven't been able to feel any of it. I'm pretty sure I've been that way pretty much since August.
How messed up is it to just run through the motions, it makes me feel bad for everyone in my life. I haven't been me. And now that I'm getting it back I really don't have any motivation to do anything or go anywhere. Feelings are overwhelming. Well, when you've got more on your mind than you ever thought you would anyway.
well I've pretty much told you nothing, but I'll try to work on something for next time.
till then, xoxo
So I came across this video today about school dress codes, and how girls are pretty much just outraged at what they aren't allowed to wear to school. You know, because fashion is definitely the main concern from K-12.
But seriously, the dress code thing is more strict for females, these days you aren't allowed to show your collar bone in some schools. For you people, who like me, have been out of school for awhile, yes that is a thing now. That's pretty much all that has changed from what I can tell, at least from the dress code I had to abide to in school, other restrictions are along the lines of:
Okay, that's pretty much all that they seem to be concerned about so we'll leave it at that.
So sexist right???
Why would our school systems be so against our youth of today wearing what they want...
And clearly it's geared toward girls, because girls are the ones who generally wear clothing outside these dress codes.
What I really think, to be honest, is, why the fuck does it even matter????? Answer me that.
On both sides. Okay girls, give up the hem line and sleeveless shirt fight, no one wants to see your butt cheeks, and if they do and you really want them to keep that shit behind closed doors. I'm sure most girls wouldn't want the boy sitting next to them in English class in short shorts, that cling a little too tight is areas and show that pasty white and hairy upper thigh area. So why do you feel the need to show yours. It's not a double standard, you're just looking at it from one view point, you do realize there are more views than just your own right? Or have they not taught that to you yet? Maybe you missed that lesson while you were daydreaming about that dress you would have worn that day if only it had sleeves.
I didn't forget about the school board. Does my collar bone turn you on? I bet you're just imagining it right now and it's killing you isn't it? Seriously, what the fuck. I really don't have anything else to say about that, it's just one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. .....okay, that's not true, have you turned on the news lately, there are a handful of stupidly ridiculous things on there all the time that just blow my mind that we're even giving the time of day. Anyway, I feel that that is just the board exercising it's ability to set things like that in place.
News flash, maybe if the student body was more involved in the dynamics of their schools they would have more say. Maybe, just maybe, since they seem to care sooooo much about it after the fact, students could...... I don't know..... attend board meetings. (GASP) Yes, if you want to have a say in school policies you should probably be more active in school policies. These rules and regulations don't just come out of thin air. These people, they meet every so often and try to think of ways to better the system, oil the machine if you would...(I didn't say they were good at it, I just said they try). Yes, real live people in your community sit and discuss these things, sometimes they talk about them for months and months before they decide how to implement them. That's months that you could have been there, you could have given them feed back from the student body, you could have gotten your fellow students involved to help support your case in a tasteful, respectable manor. Something I highly suggest, and because clearly not everyone who doesn't agree with something that is being proposed can attend board meetings every time they are held, write a petition and get signatures!!! You'd be surprised at what you can accomplish when you're proactive instead of reactive.
But I really don't get why that is what students have decided to get their panties in a bunch about. With all the flaws in our educational system today, you're worried about what you're going to wear?
Wear fucking sweatpants and a tee. It fits regs, it probably literally fits better than most everything else in your closest, and it serves the same purpose. Don't get me wrong, I was there, I picked out outfits and spent hours getting ready. But you know what, it doesn't mater what you wear or what you look like, the education is the same. Your will learn the same thing in your hoodie as you would in that killer roper you just bought last week at the mall, if only the hem was 1 3/4 inch longer, and that is what it is about. Your education is why you are at school, so worry about it. Get your pants in a bunch over why Jan got put in a math class she clearly wasn't ready for or why Al has to sit through your English class even though he's intelligence level blows you out of the water. Be more concerned about those who need more help and those whose intellect isn't allowed to flourish because they need more. You all need more, you need more one on one time for the classes you struggle in, you need more options for the classes that don't challenge you, but you're worried about clothes?
Stop. whatever you are doing, stop. Realize they this is shaping your future, your education is important, stop putting it on the back burner. Start questioning why the state budget for schooling is inadequate, why we as a society don't value teachers, yet send our children to be with them more hours of the day than probably anywhere else, to shape them, to help mold them into the young adults they will soon become. Start asking real questions, start fighting for things that really matter, now and in the long run, and I promise, one day way too soon, you will be able to wear what ever the hell you please. Preferably in the comfort of your own home, because believe it or not, when you put on your big girl and boy pants and get to your adult job someday, they will probably also have a dress code you have to follow.
I could say lots more but it's really a never ending thing that goes on in my brain so I will leave it at that.
Till next time, xoxo
Does anyone else have a hard time letting themselves be happy, or is that just me...
My life may have spontaneously done a 180, and seemingly so, but I'm having a hard time accepting it.
I was just .... I don't even know.... hmmmm...
So I snapchatted this guy every now and then, and invited him out because he seemed like he'd be a really good time but I didn't really think anything of it. I had no intentions, mostly because he's the most attractive person I have ever laid eyes on and I didn't think I had a chance.
Even when we hung out the first time, I didn't think anything of it. A few of our mutual friends were with us, I had a bit too much tequila, and even though I remember pretty much everything I have no idea what was talked about. Me being me, I'd assume I was fairly uninteresting, so imagine my surprise when he wanted to hangout with me later that week. I was very confused.
And nervous, very nervous.
In a weird turn of events, we're currently still together, and it's been about two months. I don't know how to properly convey how impressive that is for me. To be with someone for two months and not have entirely picked them apart to find every little thing I don't like about them.
Truthfully, he's kind of perfect. Not like your standard definition of, but I had this preconceived view of him that I didn't really like and he has completely surprised me in the best of ways. When I look at him I can't help but think he is perfect, perfect in everything that I know of him so far, even in his imperfections.
I've had more than a few people tell me it was a bad idea. One person literally told me to run, not kidding, not exaggerating at all, flat out told me that. And I respect that they were honest with me about how they viewed it, and also currently happy that I didn't listen, to any of it.
From where I stand, he has hands down treated me better than anyone I have ever given the time of day. He is where I feel most at ease, I never feel like a nuisance or like he doesn't want me around.
Don't get me wrong, I have doubts about the longevity of our relationship, but they don't come from logic. They stem from a lifetime of low self-esteem, of the failure of every romantic relationship I've ever attempted, from a feeling somewhere inside of me that maybe I deserve and/or am (meant) to be alone, and so many other dark things in the corners of my mind that creep out from time to time.
But for some reason those thoughts have been far more easy to dismiss than normal. I'm not trying too hard, I don't have our future planned, for the first time I'm taking it day by day. I do think about it too hard sometimes but I think that's normal. I have moments where I think yeah this isn't going to workout much longer, but I get over it. I know no matter what happens I am lucky to have him and I need to soak it up while I have it. Not saying that it will or won't be short lived, just that I need to learn to let myself enjoy the present while it's happening, and for the first time in maybe ever, I think I am starting to.
I have walls, lots of walls, most of which I haven't let down, but on some level, and its just a feeling, I think I have let one down somewhere that I have never been able to before. On some level I am 100% me. And on every other level .. I think that is what is pacing me. I'm usually all or nothing, you get me, all my scars and struggles, or you get me, the cold soulless person who doesn't want you to know me. All at once or not at all. This is all new, sometimes I don't know who I am and I feel like I'm holding back, but maybe I'm not. Maybe its not that I'm not ready to let him in all the way, maybe its just that I know once I start I won't be able to stop, Because I haven't nor will I probably ever be able to master the art of telling one story without telling the next, because they bleed together, because the first most certainly never ends, it's the story of my life, and that story is still being written. There are no intermissions.
There is I guess, on some level, a fear of my darkness, of its lingering and of it being too much for one to accept. Also of the answers to questions I have, or being asked my questions in return. Because probing into someone elses dark corners almost always reveals your own.
I also have a feeling that it doesn't matter. I mean it does, in that if I feel it needs to be communicated it most certainly does, at some point, but it doesn't mater inthat it wont scare him away,just so use to people holding my past against me. Always assuming the worst, and I've never thought about it, never questioned it because I also had always assumed the worst. Forsome reason I have yet to figure out I don't really feel that way anymore. I mean I've always known that a persons past doesn't have to define them, but at the same time most people that have been in my life have let theirs define them, so it was hard to apply my philosophy to real life circumstances. Maybe that is changing, just maybe. Maybe someone can no who I have been while also knowing that I am not her anymore, and maybe I can do the same.
For now, I guess I'll just work on letting myself be happy and enjoy this beautiful man I have in my life. Even though I am still very unsure as to why he chose me, I'll let it slide.
Sorry for psychoanalyzing myself more than normal.
Now I should really go back to packing to go spend a few wonderful days with my very best friend in the whole world. Even though I am currently thinking how difficult it will be to be away from the man in my life for that long, sad but true lol.
Till next time, xoxo
My life is a mess right now.
I was doing so good, I honestly can't pen point the moment it happened. One day I was going about my life all by myself and alright with the way things were and then... boom.
I caught feelings.
I know I know, looking back clearly I should have realized where I went wrong, but at the time it seemed so.... well you know, you've probably been there. It all makes perfect sense while it's happening.
But ... In my defense... we got along so well and I didn't hate him. Which is pretty rare if were being honest. He was my friend, not for long, it wasn't like we'd been friends for years, but we'd been friends for a few months and I liked him more than most of the other people in my life.
The big red flag was how unavailable he was/is. The funny part is I've said it before, that no matter a persons circumstances, if they truly want to change them, they will! That's it, its that easy. You either want a different path enough to do something about it or you don't, there are no if ands or buts about it.
On an unavailable scale from 1-10 he was a 30. But clearly we were in love, duh.
Truthfully, that the hell is love if it can't overcome any obstacle in its way, so clearly it was not love.
so blah blah blah.... months went by, we had a life planned together. I foolishly believed it would happen too. But the thing about an unavailable man is.... he's never around. You know what's more lonely than being alone.... feeling alone with someone.
But I get an idea in my head and I run with it. It's so hard to kick the idea of a life I have planned once it's planted itself in my brain, even when it's wrong, even when it's the most unrealistic life I could possibly come up with. Especially when someone is going along with it, who seemingly wants the same things.
So I thought I knew what I wanted, but I also felt so alone. And then this sweet, caring, cute, kinda perfect boy magically appeared before me.
Now I would love to tell you I instantaneously saw the error in my ways and gave him even half the chance he deserved, but I didn't. And it wasn't from his lack of trying to persuade me, but it was nice to have someone to talk to that I actually got to see and hangout with as well. I don't know what he saw in me, I don't see it, I know it's there, somewhere. The person that I want to be, the person that he saw in me, but I only catch glimpses of her from time to time.
It didn't matter what he was doing, he was always available to me. I was very honest with him about my life, he knew I was seeing someone, he knew that I thought it was serious, but he still tried. I would talk to him about things and he would tell me I should just give him a chance, but I made it clear that he didn't have a chance, I just liked hanging out with him and as long as that was alright with him that's how it could be. So, that's how it was, for a little while.
We cuddled, I hadn't cuddled with anyone in almost two years. It was amazing lol. We took his dog on walks, I don't even like dogs but I love his, he's pretty much the best dog ever. He met like... 3 of my friends. Which doesn't sound like much but to me.... no one meets my friends. I may have mutual friends with someone and we may hangout with them but I don't bring my own personal friends around very often. But I acted like it was no big deal, just part of every day life, because you know, he didn't have a chance, I was with someone.
But then..... I cut things off with mr. unavailable. It wasn't easy either, I even did it in person. There were tears, long embraces of pain, but I did it. And I felt better afterwards, like I knew it had been holding me back. I fully intended on giving the one person who deserved a chance exactly that. But I didn't want him to think he was the only reason I freed myself of the life I thought I wanted, so I didn't tell him right away.
Not kidding, that night, the very night I cut things off with mr. unavailable, mr. do anything for me, always available, didn't want to hang out. Not going to lie, I was devastated, but I still didn't tell him I fully intended on giving him a chance. In his defense it was like midnight, pretty sure he had to work in the morning and I may have been drinking. So I chalked it up to me being overly dramatic and him really just being responsible enough to tell me no. After all he was trying to not hangout with me so much at that particular moment due to our original circumstances. That was Wednesday. Friday night he went to his friends party, and I was glad he was hanging out with his friends. He text me and snapped me while there so I didn't think anything of it. Saturday somehow I ended up drinking, at the VFW, with like 6 women, who kind of knew what was going on in my life. It was a break through night for me, we played a game of "truth" which ended up mostly being related to my situation and they gave me some really good advise. I made a solid decision right then and there to give him a chance, a real chance, because that's exactly what I wanted and everything I had been worried about when it came to him was so stupid. It was a real moment of clarity.
But, in the way of the world, not 5 hours later, when we got in the vehicle with our dd of the night I was informed that he had been with some girl at the party Friday night and the same girl that very night. At first I was like "Ah, I knew it, he's been acting kind of weird." And earlier that day we were joking about him ditching me for that very same girl so it was semi comical, until it wasn't.
So like the next day I finally told him I had stopped seeing the other guy, but I still didn't tell him I wanted a chance, to give him a chance. I wanted to feel the situation out and as it turns out, well...... he's dating this other girl now so clearly I should have let him know how I really felt instead of beating around the bush and letting him still think he didn't have a chance.
The hardest part about it is it's my own fault. I can't even blame anyone else, I literally told him he didn't have a chance, more than once, what did I expect him to do, stick around....
I've left so many things out because well..... it needs to be left out for now. But I'm still struggling with this every day. And honestly I knew I cared but I didn't realize just how much until recently. When Mr. perfect is your right hand man, who still does the things you need done, when you need them done, on a professional level, it's really hard to push it all to the back of your mind. It's like a constant reminder, but I would never complain. He's a life saver! And it is entirely my lose.
Until next time, xoxo
Oh wow, it has been awhile hasn’t it….
I’m sure you’re all just DYING to know what I’ve been doing, but I’m going to leave you in suspense a while longer.
I know I tell you all about me, all the time, in almost every post, because well, this is my blog….. and I don’t really know if anyone reads it anyway so…. It doesn’t really matter.
I mean we could talk politics, …. HA. Just kidding….. I don’t want the one random person who was bored enough to actually come here and read this to fall asleep. And don’t we all get enough of the news… I think so… not real news, they don’t air real news. Or tell real truths, and that’s what I’m here for. The nitty gritty. The truth, no matter how ugly is it, or how bad it makes me look.
But I’m definitely holding off on writing about the past few months, lets just see how it plays out first before I throw every person everrrrr under the bus.
I fell out of love with myself guys.
Somewhere along the way I lost sight, but hey, it happens. I’m already on my way to falling back in love again. Although I’m really not too sure about my new hair cut…
Honestly, I’ve been kind of shitty. To myself, to other people… but one thing I’m sure of is I can never do anything I truly don’t want others to know about, because… well…. I’m going to tell you. But not today. Today is about falling in love with myself again.
It’s already working, just typing tonight I feel like I’m getting in sync with my personality, it’s been hiding. So here are some things about me you may already know… and some things I’m betting you probably don’t.
First, I’m 25 and I think I’m old. Like… OLD. I think it’s just that raising two children will do that to you, and seeing as my lovely brothers will be 21 this year… I feel ancient. Ok, I might not have "raised" them… but I did a lot, a lot more than I should have had too and a lot more than most children… Sometimes they make me proud, others….. yeah.
MOST children brighten my day. I love them. I want 7, yes seven. I also really hope I have triplets. I do have a forever alone plan that involves adoption, because there are very few people in this world that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with, aka none. Or none that are on my radar at the moment, because that entails actually being available.
This is just like my Myspace bio guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m just going to tell you so many random things, no one actually cares about.
My favorite color is blue. I hate people. I have a grumpy cat shirt that says "I had fun once It was awful" and it is quite possibly the best …. Ehhhh top five best wardrobe items I have. I love Michael Jackson. I still sleep with a teddy bear, on occasion. I love my friends. I don’t consider very many people to be my friends. I have a lot of acquaintances that probably consider themselves my friend… but most are not. I would do absolutely anything for a select few. I have a big heart, but just typing that made me cringe because I have this emotionless persona that I have grown quite fond of that stems from my lack of enthusiasm on a daily basis. I am almost incapable of showing a broad spectrum of emotions. I’m either in it or I’m not, there are every few inbetweens. I either care a whole freaking lot or I don’t care at all. And even when I do you might not know it, because honestly, I just don’t know how to translate feelings into actions well. I’m good at being honest, but I never sound sincere. Most the time when people think I’m looking at them I’m actually looking right through them. I have like 12 best friends. I have a top 3 and then everyone else ties for 4th. My friends range in age from like 19 to 52. I’m a hopeless romantic but I fight feelings. It takes time, patience and persistence to break down my walls. I don’t even realize I’m holding back that much until later, when looking back at a situation. I don’t regret anything. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit but it’s a learning process and everything happens for a reason. I truly believe if it’s meant to be it will be, but not everything fits into my time lines I like to put on things. Sometimes I give up too easy and sometimes I hold on too long. And sometimes I just need someone to hit me and tell me how stupid I am, everyday, until I actually hear them.
I would absolutely love to be a stay at home mom who also runs her own business. I’m far from a feminist. I would stay home and do house work and make food every day if I could. I love food, I love making it just as much as I love eating it. Real food, fresh food. Straight from the garden, which is another thing I want to have. Food food food food food. Honest local small farms and all things truly organic have my heart.
And while I’m at it, Pretty Little Liars is my favorite show. I also watch Angel, Charmed, Revenge, Arrow, and One Tree Hill. I miss All of That and Are You Afraid of the Dark, and all things good, unlike most things on television today.
God is important in my life, even if it doesn’t always show.
Oh yay, I remember who I am… and you are probably asleep.
Promise to post something more interesting next time.
Till then….. xoxo