Okay, before I start my next tell all on my love life, I have a few things to say.
I have almost always hung with a crowd of boys.
AND, I know what most people think about a girl that prefers to hangout out with the boys because they are less drama. I'm here to tell you that there is a lot more to it than just less drama. If I'm honest, boys have a kind of drama that is all their own, but they handle it and it's over. For the most part they don't hold on to it and let it fester for years, like a lot of girls can. But, it's more than that, in general, they are more laid back and have more fun. Real fun, not the kind of fun girls have just so they can take pictures and post it to social media to make everyone think they are having the time of their lives when really they took more time writing about the fun they may or may not have had then they actually spent having it.
High school sucked for me guys. All of my "friends" that I had growing up, I still had but they were just as fake as always. You knew as soon as you walked away they were talking about you because you had seen them do it to everyone else for years! They walked all over me, because they could, because I'd let them do it for so long because I didn't have anyone else. I grew up in a town of like 3,400 people, you don't have many options when it comes to who your friends were. And for the most part it's just picking the lesser of multiple evils. For us, we were it. We were the "in crowd" and you didn't just walk away from that, you were publicly humiliated and anything that could possibly be said about you was said. It didn't matter if it was true or semi true or the farthest thing from the truth possible, it was out there and everyone heard it, and most of them believed it.
I had my moments of cruelty, mostly toward people we saw as below us. Which in all honesty was most people, but it's hard not to become the people you surround yourself with. To them, what made me different made me weak. I had friends from almost all groups in school, and I didn't care what anyone thought, to an extent. If I was with my main group of friends I most likely didn't talk to any of my other friends but if I wasn't I would. That isn't really fair to anyone and I don't know why some people even talked to me honestly, the way we were.
In 8th grade I earned my first public humiliation, over a boy. I use to enjoy exercising the amount of control I had over people, one of those wonderful traits I picked up from my so called friends. See, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of times, and every time I let him get so far and then I'm pull him back in. Mostly just because I could. So, like the fourth time I broke up with him, he started dating my best friend, so you can imagine I didn't like that very much. It was war. She didn't even like our other friends that much, but they all took her side. It was just me, and a few of the boys and like two girls that wanted to stay "neutral." They all made me cry in front of everyone at a track meet that week, it was awful. I think I was more humiliated that I cried than at the actual event. I never let anyone see me cry. Then it was on! And honestly, when I want something, I get it. I may have only wanted him back because he was hers but , that's neither here nor there. One night, at a birthday party of someone who still actually talked to me, everyone was there. And all I had to do was be sweet innocent, humiliated me, with hardly any one left. Makes it pretty easy when everyone one else is being so obviously evil. I got the boy back, but that was only the beginning of the war. I had won one small battle and they were ready to take it to the next level. It was now the summer before Freshman year, still shut out from my circle, I broke up with my boyfriend, for the last time. I was a pretty cold hearted bitch, I walked straight up to him in front of a group of his friends, told him it was over and walked away. By the following week I was talking to a senior and all was forgotten. So one beautiful summer day I'm talking to my senior on the phone and he told me he saw the most hateful of all my ex-friends walking down state street putting a sweatshirt in a tree. Well, it was my favorite sweatshirt that I had been trying to get back before all of this even started, so I was fairly upset. A few hours later my mom calls me in a rage, they had cut my sweatshirt into pieces and scattered them on the front lawn of our church.
Now, I had my moments of utter bitchiness but I never fucked with anyone's house of worship. Who does that.... the worst thing I have ever done on church grounds is practice walking straight lines while shit faced.
At that point I was done, I was so tired of fighting, it wasn't worth the energy. I made some new friends and slowly they stopped torturing me. Two of them apologized to my mom and my mom accepted them with open arms. To this day they have never apologized to me, for any of it. My best friend apologized to me, but my mom shunned her and she didn't come over to my house for years because of it. We were all on good terms by the start of the school year but it was never the same. Which is probably a good thing. I still put up with their shit during the school day, them taking people who hated me's side just to see me squirm, normal every day things for us. But when I got the chance to get away I did, and I found myself spending more and more time on the other side of the river.
The guys were like my family, and my family kept growing. I was a fly on the wall most of the time. I didn't talk a whole lot and I was pretty shy, but it was nice to be with new people, who weren't so manipulative. They were my escape, I honestly don't know how I would have made it through high school without with.
Until next time, xoxo