- Stay in bed until 2pm
- Have absolutely no motivation
- Ignore responsabilities, like...
- Packing for a 25 day training 1000 miles away
- working out
- going to the store for things I need to pack
But I'd rather get how I'm feeling off my chest, and what better place to do it huh...
I really don't even know
I feel completely lost. Like I have no direction. There are too many things pulling at me.
I want to be here for my ex, I want to make him understand that I want nothing more than to be right by his side for whatever happens next. Everyday, I want that every day. I want to make him understand that he's not alone and this does not define him in any way.
But, I'm leaving. In the middle of it all, I have to be gone. So I literally can't be there.... It's so frustrating.
At the same time, I'm like fuck you, I tried, I fucking wrote you a letter you never said one word about. cool. I tried to talk to him, I have given him space because I didn't see another choice. Because I told him how I felt about it all and I got nothing in return. It infuriates me, and at the same time I get it.
I get not wanting to be around people or talk to people about stuff because what they have to say about it literally means nothing to me. there just words from people who don't understand, who couldn't understand what is going on in my mind. I push people away.
I myself have done a lot of that lately, honestly. People try to talk to me about him and I check out because they need to shut their mouth about something they could never understand. No single action defines a person and I HATE when people try to make their point by pointing out ONE damn thing that literally has nothing to do with the person I know.
In feeling like there is nothing I can do, I just want to get drunk. Every day. That's literally a goal I have for like the entire month of July.
Saturday night at like midnight I left the bar with some friends to check trout lines and we ended up just having a dance party on the boat. Like, that should probably just be my whole summer. Dance parties on boats, drunk.
Also, part of me just wants to get away. Like I NEED to go spend time with my best friend I Arizona right now. That's the best therapy I know. Blowing off steam alone only helps so much, I need my best friend by my side, ready to fuck shit up along with me.
I literally don't know what step to take next and if I had money at all is be in Arizona, for a little while anyway.
I could go anywhere from here but no available route feels like the right one right now.
anyway, I'm already at training and as predicted, I'm bored out of my mind. But back to work I go.
Till next time, xoxo