To get in my car and not stop until I've found a good place to land.
Not even a good place really, just a different one.
I honestly couldn't put into words how this place makes me feel.
I'm drowning and the only way I know how to make it stop is to run.
I use to take a day trip to STL to see my best friend, and it would help me feel balanced again. Now she's living in Arizona and everyone else "close" is too far for a day trip....
I don't even consider day trips as of recent, all I want to do is sleep, it takes everything I have to pull myself out of bed and even just go to work. Once I'm out it's better, but I never want to come home, I know when I do I will just fall back into my hole. This is the worst place for me mentally, and as a result... every aspect of my life is suffering.
Of course there's all the shit I think I need to stick around for. I really hate being away from my friends and their children. I am the only person who visits my grandmother and her husband, even though they only live 30 minutes away. I hate to leave work because we're all like a dysfunctional family.... one that I actually enjoy, most of the time. And... on the off chance someone realizes how misguided they are being....
But all of these people are so understanding, they want what's best for me and can see that that's not something I will find here. It's my family that doesn't understand, that drags me down. Honestly they are one of the biggest reasons I need out. I don't feel any support, just negative criticism. Always, since I can remember, and the older I get the more it weighs on me. I can't do this. I can't be in this house and when I move it sure as hell won't be anywhere around here. But it's hard to walk away from everyone else.
I've left so many times, but this time it needs to be different.
I was in Carbondale visiting for a few days about two weeks ago. While talking to Kyler about life he suggested I come stay with him and Lauren for awhile in Michigan when they move because he doesn't think being home is good for me. I had no arguments, so I'm thinking about it... a lot, actually. They are moving for a church plant and I feel like life is pushing me in that direction, like that's what I need right now. To be somewhere else surrounded by great people who give off good energy.
I talked to my friend Allie about it tonight and she was very supportive and agreed that would probably be good for me. Which is totally different from when I told my mom I was thinking about it. it was more like why would you do that, in this tone that just screams "everything you do is stupid." I think my parents have told me they are proud of me and meant it a total of once, when I joined the Guard. Which was one of the only things I regret doing in life.
It's so frustrating.
I would love to pick up and move to Arizona with Alexa, but that isn't going to happen right now.
Michigan is five hours away, so I won't have to transfer right away and can just drive back for drill weekends. There's a lot of other things that just work for me being there.
It's the most level headed decision I have chose to ponder over when feeling the urge to run.
And the longest I have thought about something while feeling like this.
And this post is what happens when my best friend is busy and can't talk to me on the phone.
Till next time, xoxo