I was doing so good, I honestly can't pen point the moment it happened. One day I was going about my life all by myself and alright with the way things were and then... boom.
I caught feelings.
I know I know, looking back clearly I should have realized where I went wrong, but at the time it seemed so.... well you know, you've probably been there. It all makes perfect sense while it's happening.
But ... In my defense... we got along so well and I didn't hate him. Which is pretty rare if were being honest. He was my friend, not for long, it wasn't like we'd been friends for years, but we'd been friends for a few months and I liked him more than most of the other people in my life.
The big red flag was how unavailable he was/is. The funny part is I've said it before, that no matter a persons circumstances, if they truly want to change them, they will! That's it, its that easy. You either want a different path enough to do something about it or you don't, there are no if ands or buts about it.
On an unavailable scale from 1-10 he was a 30. But clearly we were in love, duh.
Truthfully, that the hell is love if it can't overcome any obstacle in its way, so clearly it was not love.
so blah blah blah.... months went by, we had a life planned together. I foolishly believed it would happen too. But the thing about an unavailable man is.... he's never around. You know what's more lonely than being alone.... feeling alone with someone.
But I get an idea in my head and I run with it. It's so hard to kick the idea of a life I have planned once it's planted itself in my brain, even when it's wrong, even when it's the most unrealistic life I could possibly come up with. Especially when someone is going along with it, who seemingly wants the same things.
So I thought I knew what I wanted, but I also felt so alone. And then this sweet, caring, cute, kinda perfect boy magically appeared before me.
Now I would love to tell you I instantaneously saw the error in my ways and gave him even half the chance he deserved, but I didn't. And it wasn't from his lack of trying to persuade me, but it was nice to have someone to talk to that I actually got to see and hangout with as well. I don't know what he saw in me, I don't see it, I know it's there, somewhere. The person that I want to be, the person that he saw in me, but I only catch glimpses of her from time to time.
It didn't matter what he was doing, he was always available to me. I was very honest with him about my life, he knew I was seeing someone, he knew that I thought it was serious, but he still tried. I would talk to him about things and he would tell me I should just give him a chance, but I made it clear that he didn't have a chance, I just liked hanging out with him and as long as that was alright with him that's how it could be. So, that's how it was, for a little while.
We cuddled, I hadn't cuddled with anyone in almost two years. It was amazing lol. We took his dog on walks, I don't even like dogs but I love his, he's pretty much the best dog ever. He met like... 3 of my friends. Which doesn't sound like much but to me.... no one meets my friends. I may have mutual friends with someone and we may hangout with them but I don't bring my own personal friends around very often. But I acted like it was no big deal, just part of every day life, because you know, he didn't have a chance, I was with someone.
But then..... I cut things off with mr. unavailable. It wasn't easy either, I even did it in person. There were tears, long embraces of pain, but I did it. And I felt better afterwards, like I knew it had been holding me back. I fully intended on giving the one person who deserved a chance exactly that. But I didn't want him to think he was the only reason I freed myself of the life I thought I wanted, so I didn't tell him right away.
Not kidding, that night, the very night I cut things off with mr. unavailable, mr. do anything for me, always available, didn't want to hang out. Not going to lie, I was devastated, but I still didn't tell him I fully intended on giving him a chance. In his defense it was like midnight, pretty sure he had to work in the morning and I may have been drinking. So I chalked it up to me being overly dramatic and him really just being responsible enough to tell me no. After all he was trying to not hangout with me so much at that particular moment due to our original circumstances. That was Wednesday. Friday night he went to his friends party, and I was glad he was hanging out with his friends. He text me and snapped me while there so I didn't think anything of it. Saturday somehow I ended up drinking, at the VFW, with like 6 women, who kind of knew what was going on in my life. It was a break through night for me, we played a game of "truth" which ended up mostly being related to my situation and they gave me some really good advise. I made a solid decision right then and there to give him a chance, a real chance, because that's exactly what I wanted and everything I had been worried about when it came to him was so stupid. It was a real moment of clarity.
But, in the way of the world, not 5 hours later, when we got in the vehicle with our dd of the night I was informed that he had been with some girl at the party Friday night and the same girl that very night. At first I was like "Ah, I knew it, he's been acting kind of weird." And earlier that day we were joking about him ditching me for that very same girl so it was semi comical, until it wasn't.
So like the next day I finally told him I had stopped seeing the other guy, but I still didn't tell him I wanted a chance, to give him a chance. I wanted to feel the situation out and as it turns out, well...... he's dating this other girl now so clearly I should have let him know how I really felt instead of beating around the bush and letting him still think he didn't have a chance.
The hardest part about it is it's my own fault. I can't even blame anyone else, I literally told him he didn't have a chance, more than once, what did I expect him to do, stick around....
I've left so many things out because well..... it needs to be left out for now. But I'm still struggling with this every day. And honestly I knew I cared but I didn't realize just how much until recently. When Mr. perfect is your right hand man, who still does the things you need done, when you need them done, on a professional level, it's really hard to push it all to the back of your mind. It's like a constant reminder, but I would never complain. He's a life saver! And it is entirely my lose.
Until next time, xoxo