My life may have spontaneously done a 180, and seemingly so, but I'm having a hard time accepting it.
I was just .... I don't even know.... hmmmm...
So I snapchatted this guy every now and then, and invited him out because he seemed like he'd be a really good time but I didn't really think anything of it. I had no intentions, mostly because he's the most attractive person I have ever laid eyes on and I didn't think I had a chance.
Even when we hung out the first time, I didn't think anything of it. A few of our mutual friends were with us, I had a bit too much tequila, and even though I remember pretty much everything I have no idea what was talked about. Me being me, I'd assume I was fairly uninteresting, so imagine my surprise when he wanted to hangout with me later that week. I was very confused.
And nervous, very nervous.
In a weird turn of events, we're currently still together, and it's been about two months. I don't know how to properly convey how impressive that is for me. To be with someone for two months and not have entirely picked them apart to find every little thing I don't like about them.
Truthfully, he's kind of perfect. Not like your standard definition of, but I had this preconceived view of him that I didn't really like and he has completely surprised me in the best of ways. When I look at him I can't help but think he is perfect, perfect in everything that I know of him so far, even in his imperfections.
I've had more than a few people tell me it was a bad idea. One person literally told me to run, not kidding, not exaggerating at all, flat out told me that. And I respect that they were honest with me about how they viewed it, and also currently happy that I didn't listen, to any of it.
From where I stand, he has hands down treated me better than anyone I have ever given the time of day. He is where I feel most at ease, I never feel like a nuisance or like he doesn't want me around.
Don't get me wrong, I have doubts about the longevity of our relationship, but they don't come from logic. They stem from a lifetime of low self-esteem, of the failure of every romantic relationship I've ever attempted, from a feeling somewhere inside of me that maybe I deserve and/or am (meant) to be alone, and so many other dark things in the corners of my mind that creep out from time to time.
But for some reason those thoughts have been far more easy to dismiss than normal. I'm not trying too hard, I don't have our future planned, for the first time I'm taking it day by day. I do think about it too hard sometimes but I think that's normal. I have moments where I think yeah this isn't going to workout much longer, but I get over it. I know no matter what happens I am lucky to have him and I need to soak it up while I have it. Not saying that it will or won't be short lived, just that I need to learn to let myself enjoy the present while it's happening, and for the first time in maybe ever, I think I am starting to.
I have walls, lots of walls, most of which I haven't let down, but on some level, and its just a feeling, I think I have let one down somewhere that I have never been able to before. On some level I am 100% me. And on every other level .. I think that is what is pacing me. I'm usually all or nothing, you get me, all my scars and struggles, or you get me, the cold soulless person who doesn't want you to know me. All at once or not at all. This is all new, sometimes I don't know who I am and I feel like I'm holding back, but maybe I'm not. Maybe its not that I'm not ready to let him in all the way, maybe its just that I know once I start I won't be able to stop, Because I haven't nor will I probably ever be able to master the art of telling one story without telling the next, because they bleed together, because the first most certainly never ends, it's the story of my life, and that story is still being written. There are no intermissions.
There is I guess, on some level, a fear of my darkness, of its lingering and of it being too much for one to accept. Also of the answers to questions I have, or being asked my questions in return. Because probing into someone elses dark corners almost always reveals your own.
I also have a feeling that it doesn't matter. I mean it does, in that if I feel it needs to be communicated it most certainly does, at some point, but it doesn't mater inthat it wont scare him away,just so use to people holding my past against me. Always assuming the worst, and I've never thought about it, never questioned it because I also had always assumed the worst. Forsome reason I have yet to figure out I don't really feel that way anymore. I mean I've always known that a persons past doesn't have to define them, but at the same time most people that have been in my life have let theirs define them, so it was hard to apply my philosophy to real life circumstances. Maybe that is changing, just maybe. Maybe someone can no who I have been while also knowing that I am not her anymore, and maybe I can do the same.
For now, I guess I'll just work on letting myself be happy and enjoy this beautiful man I have in my life. Even though I am still very unsure as to why he chose me, I'll let it slide.
Sorry for psychoanalyzing myself more than normal.
Now I should really go back to packing to go spend a few wonderful days with my very best friend in the whole world. Even though I am currently thinking how difficult it will be to be away from the man in my life for that long, sad but true lol.
Till next time, xoxo