So, we've already established time and time again that I have not always been the best at decision making, clearly. With that being said...
Pretty much the first week of the year I started communicating with Luke again, after over a year of having nothing to do with him. We started texting, just casual conversation about pointless things. Then I went to visit Lex for the weekend and he happened to be attending Country Night at the bar that night where we happen to be also. He didn't talk to me at all, it was fairly comical. He came over and gave Lex a hug and completely ignored me. Cute huh? Over all it was a good night but after the bar I thought a little too much and while a few of us were sitting at Brans I text him and pretty much freaked out on him for having been such an ass at the bar but texting me almost every day for the last few weeks. He asked me to come over to where he was to talk about it. ----Obviously an awful idea since it was now around 2am and everyone was slightly hammered, but that's exactly what happened.---- I drove Lex and her friend at the time to the house party Luke was at.
Everyone was really nice, I think I was offered like 3 beers as soon as I walked in the door, we all hung out for awhile and then Luke and I went in the other room to talk. Now, I am terrible at talking, I always know exactly what I am going to say, until it's time to say it and then it all conveniently goes away. So..... yeah we just kind of sat there for awhile ha. I finally apologized for the ubber bitch that I had been and for ending things the way I had. I pretty much did that on a loop, for an hour. He wasn't very receptive, understandably so. Then, things kind of happened... clothes may or may not have been removed.... Lex may or may not have left me and taken my car. So I was there until 5am. Then the best came back and got me and the next day Luke text me and pretty much was like that didn't mean anything, I'm talking to someone right now, blah blah. Normal stuff I was fairly use to hearing, for a good few years anyway.
I went back to work, four hours away, and continued my life, but I was moving back the following week, so our paths were bound to cross again.
Two weeks later, to the day, I had just moved my things back in my parents house and was ready for my first night out being home for my three weeks before I left for Basic Training.
I remember not being able to find just the right station on Pandora, it kept playing sad shit I didn't want to hear when I was trying to get pumped to go out. Luke was Snap Chatting me, already drunk and I was getting ready to go to Brans to pregame. When I got to Brans we decided to to go Jens and drink and then walk to the bar from there. It was literally the coldest night of the year, being -8 to -12 that night, and there was a band playing at the bar. I think I had 5 drinks before we left to go to the bar. I was feeling it but I didn't think I was that drunk and I only planned on having a drink or two at the bar that night because I didn't want to spend too much money. We walked our not so sober asses the whole like 2.5 blocks to the bar, I bought myself a drink.... which was HUGE by the way. Apparently they were only serving XXL and XXXL size beverages that night, and I obviously had to go with the largest one, because it was the best deal you know. Seriously, they were like huge Styrofoam cups with lids and straws. And after maybe 4 minutes of being there Luke and I found each other and I unintentionally ditched my posse.
It was quiet ridiculous, he was really drunk, I could tell by the number of times he told me he loved me. I got the, I've been miserable without you, I love you so much story, 700 times. He also told me who he'd slept with and basically everything I had missed. It was a lot. The girl that he had been talking to had found out that we hooked up a few weeks earlier, I was semi surprised to find out that it was one of my ex's sisters and I actually really like her. She happened to be there that night also and like freaked out on him via texts that he showed me. I tried to go talk to her at one point and he wouldn't let me, haa. I really wanted to apologize and be best friends. ((I want to be best friends with everyone when I'm the right kind of drunk, you know.. )) Well, I don't remember a whole lot of anything else from that night... and what I mean by that is I don't remember anything at all after that.
At about 4am I came to, in the ER, still drunk and having no idea what I was doing there. My nurse told me I had frost bite and had been brought in around 2:20, and wouldn't let them call my parents and told them I was from Jenna's and my healthcare provider was Obama. I was in and out of it and my parents were called, and showed up around 5, that was not fun. But I was worried about Luke because he was the last person I remembered being with. The next thing I knew I had my own room and visitors. Bran came and filled me in on everything she knew, which was just that she had no idea I was that drunk, I seemed fine but everyone was pretty drunk and her and Jen had left me with Luke. The Chief of Police came to visit me, how modifying, but insightful. I found out that a little after 2am three kids saw me fall in a parking lot and came over to see if I was alright and when they got me me I didn't know my name and couldn't really talk, they carried me to the gas station and called 911. So three complete strangers saved my life because at this point I had been outside for at least almost an hour and a half, and I had lost my shoes in the snow, who knows how long I was without them. ... I had "lost" my phone battery, which I found much later in the bottom of my purse, and called Luke. He told me that after close we walked around the square twice looking for my car, and then I told them I remembered where it was and they let me go off on my own. -----> alright guys, obviously if I can't find my car I'm drunk, the square is semi large but come on..... and it wasn't even on the square! But they let me go off on my own, then I apparently walked to another bar where I talked to one of the managers but I wouldn't let him call anyone for me, probably because I didn't have a working phone... and then he also let me wonder off on my own...
Back at the hospital, Lex came to see me, and brought me chocolate and a stuffed animal, she really is the best best friend I could ask for. At this point my feet were looking worse. Mostly they were completely blistered over, I finally got discharged around 4pm and the drive was awful. As was every trip to plastics I had after that, I was in a wheel chair for around five weeks before my left foot healed enough for me to be on crutches, and another 2 before I could kind of walk. The whole time Luke never came to visit me but we talked. He's actually the first person I went to see when I could drive again, talk about bad decisions. We went back and forth for awhile but he was seeing someone, I didn't actually know that until they started dating but ya know... guys. Shouldn't have given him the time of day after he left my drunk ass out in the cold to get frost bite and then NEVER came to see me. What the hell. I think he apologized once. Really, that fucker should have been apologizing daily at the least.
Honestly, at the time I thought it was what I wanted but I know that the only reason I went back to Luke was because it was something I was use to. It was convenient and comfortable and I was lonely. More lonely than ever once I was stuck on the couch for two months. Plus I use to feel hopeless a lot, not that I don't have my moments now. Just that, my fear of being alone forever sometimes guided my actions, and at the time I thought I'd rather deal with him than be alone. Which when I'm thinking clearly I know is sooo far from the truth. I'd rather be alone for 12 lifetimes than be with him again!
I started to see how I really wanted things to be after that, but it took some time. No settling for less than what I deserve, less than what I want, not anymore. My standards have went up tenfold, if not more.
I'm also a lot more grateful for things after my whole incident. This is kind of like my second chance at life, and I would like to make it the best I can, instead of just surviving.
ANDDD that the only the first part of 2014.... but I'm taking a break to write about other things for a few posts (:
Well, until next time, xoxo